After weeks of criticism and charges that the federal agency is “broken”, the Food and Drug Administration came under attack again today for acknowledging its approval of rat poison as a legitimate food source.
“In our studies, takers of rat poison suffered many side-effects, ending in either permanent neurological disorder, coma, or death,” an FDA staffer reported. “These kinds of consistencies are promising. We stand by our approval of rat poison and feel its manufacturers have produced a product that does exactly what it claims.”
Consumer groups, including the American Medical Association have called the approval “outrageous and irresponsible” and are petitioning Congress to reverse the rat poison approval.
Harold Dager, from the FDA Advisory Committee shrugged off the AMA criticism, saying, “There are a lot of wacko liberal fringe groups out there that want to limit consumer choice.” Dager acknowledged, however, that the public might be concerned about dying from rat poison.
“If the consumer wishes to avoid death, we suggest they take a lesser dose of poison. We found smaller doses of rat poison caused minor violent episodes of projectile vomiting, liver and kidney failure, and a complete collapse of their metabolic systems across the board. Low-dose poison takers reported feeling ‘just this side of death’ or ‘wanted to die’ in some cases pleading for their lives to end. Their ongoing doses of poison eventually relieved them of their suffering. Take heed, however, the benefits of rat poison are still unknown, but are looking very promising - unfortunately, for purely political reasons, I cannot yet show you any of our findings.”
In addition to its approval of poison, the FDA heralded the famous skull and crossbones logo as “ingenious” and an example of truth in advertising.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Dager, “rat poison is not for everyone. Women who are pregnant should not take rat poison. And poison should never be taken with alcohol.”
“We don’t want to send mixed messages,” he added, “but we feel that, used responsibly, poison is a safe and deadly substance, just like other pharmaceuticals. After all, you can overdose on anything, including water, so just think of this as an overdose of rat poison.”
