A surprise newcomer to the world of off-color reality programming, PAX tv is set to change their image. The new show, rumored to star NBA star and diamond-buying rapist Kobe Bryant is already in the works.
"No, man! I thought they came with the mini-bar! Shit! They was gonna be my twin-bitches!"
The host role was originally offered to Marv Albert, but negotiations fell apart when Albert demanded a 5-minute narrated segment called "Bondage Back-Biting". Ultimately, terms of his parole and doctors orders prohibited his involvement.
The show will feature 30 potential victims from all walks of life. A waitress, backup singer, grad student, Sunday school teacher, deaf-mute, struggling exotic dancer, social worker, crack whore, receptionist, beekeeper and mariachi bugler. These are just the cream of the hopefuls.
- First round elimination will be done by Kobe's entourage, who will block them from even meeting him. Each contestant must exhibit talent and intelligence in order to advance to the next phase. Prowess in oral sex, a functional education level of 10th grade or lower, and short-term memory loss are all but required.
- Second round will be narrowed by Kobe's team mates who can disqualify the girls for any reason. Thickness, cleanliness, prior exposure to Mike Tyson or hesitation "to go" are all fair game.
- Third round is the drinking contest, where vomiting and passing out will not disqualify them. Bitchiness or increased inhibition become grounds for immediate disqualification.
- Fourth and final round is the "Roofied Up Interview". A roofie (royhpnol) is slipped into each contestant's cocktail, after which she is graded on her response to questions about modeling, threesomes, spanking and general consensual sex knowledge. Bonus points are added for muttering "I'm not so sure" before losing consciousness, and "What just happened" after regaining consciousness in a low, slurred voice.
The winner will be whisked away for an all expense-paid evening with basketball great Kobe Bryant at a nearby Motel 6. After downing a complimentary bottle of Six-Horse champagne, the lucky contest winner will have her bottom banged out like a low-rider hauling ass over speed bumps. And the twist? The lucky Laker guard doesn't know he's being videotaped! AND, the girl he just tapped like a frat keg has herpes...WHOOP, there it is!
Legally, the show treads some fragile ground since none of the participants actually consent to video taping or sexual intercourse. PAX asserts that "that's just fine by us...all we do is film a pageant and sponsor a motel room for 'educational purposes'. And Lord knows it's acceptable to Mr. Bryant."
The remaining four episodes will be dedicated to the civil suit between the winner and Mr. Bryant. PAX will pay the judges settlement to the winner, as well as purchase Mrs. Bryant a yet larger and more ridiculous diamond. Judge Joe Brown has expressed interest in hearing the "Post-F" trial, but regrets the fortunate victim would only entitled to a maximum settlement of $2,500.
"I can offer some additional compensation to the young lady," said the judge. "She come up to my chambers and I give her some 'judicial ruling'. She entitled to my fiduciary award." Judge Joe Brown will also not be made aware of the herpes.
