For all a standard bank teller knows, this could be the sexiest maid of Babylon... though statistics seem to say otherwise.
A burka-clad man – or woman - was part of a gang of armed raiders being hunted by police after pirate DVDs worth an estimated £100 were stolen from the Smegmadale branch of Cockbuster Video.
The group burst into the High Street video rental store during the lunchtime rush hour and threatened staff with a bag of monkey nuts and a cucumber.
After grabbing armfuls of Adult Only blue movies they escaped on a waiting string of camels which were ridden off at full gallop along Dune Avenue in the direction of the nearby Oasis Housing Estate.
Police from the town’s elite Infidel Squad are already searching for two persons who raided the town’s branch of Bargain Booze last Friday while wearing burkas and theorise they might be part of the same gang – or copying their modus operandi.
The discount plonk outlet’s staff were terrorised with a pointed carrot by one supposed Muslim scallie while the other crammed their burka pockets with pork scratchings, Cadbury’s cream eggs and cans of Bitch Thumper lager before making good their high speed getaway on an unmarked skateboard.
A person wearing a burka – thought to be a man – or woman - threatened a bus driver on the Smegmadale Sands circular route a week ago with what is thought to be an eggplant before fleeing with the vehicle’s entire stack of gratis copies of the daily Metro newspaper.
Adding to this string of violent crimes a burka-clad robber armed with an aerosol tin of furniture polish and pushing a baby’s pram held up night staff at one of neighbouring Scumford’s branches of the Grotty Grocer 24/7 Stop & Rob franchises – escaping with a haul of several tins of Spam and a pack of Tampax.
Chief Inspector Alf Fuctifino from the Smegmashire Valley police told Pox News "Thankfully nobody was injured during the robbery but obviously the staff were terrified – with poor Achmed actually shitting his shalwar’s – and Janice – that’s the one with the acne – is undergoing psychiatric counselling for trauma and still doped up to her shifty little eyeballs on Beta-Blockers and Prozac.”
“However, with 90% of our population here being comprised of Jolly Jihadi Muslim immigrant types it’s rather difficult to sort out who the fuck is who when all the women – and half their iffy menfolk – are wandering the streets dressed in bedsheets or these ubiquitous black burkas.”
Conversely Sheikh Ali Baba Blacksheep, head of the Smegmadale mosque’s madrassa, opined to a reporter from the Scallies Gazette that “This is another of the evil Zionist Mossad false flag operations to make us look bad like rascals and cause enmity and hatred of the Muslim community by our infidel British neighbours.”
“We know this is the work of shifty kikes from the Weaselberg Street synagogue – they have been seen wearing burkas and trying to blame these robberies on our womenfolk – they stand out like lepers at the Haj.”
