LARAMIE, WY - A group of University of Wyoming juniors expressed catastrophic disappointment Wednesday when super-hot female student Jennifer Lavagnino, 20, created a Facebook profile with several hundred photographs, none of which contained any semblance of the incredibly sexy chemistry major’s exposed skin.
“I finally worked up the guts to request Jen as a friend. I can’t even begin to describe the ecstatic feeling I had when she actually approved me,” said Monte Castlemyer, 20, as he sifted through endless photo albums featuring Lavagnino and her much-less-attractive friends in various unnatural and downright embarrassing poses. “Turns out she thinks people actually give a shit about her trip to the Arboretum with her [10-year-old] brother [Kenny].
Castlemyer was not alone, sources reported later that morning. At least 96 other male Wyoming students experience similar crushing disillusionment when they were first allowed access to the coveted profile.
“I saw that Jen had about 300 pictures in her profile,” said fellow chemistry major Daniel Haughton, 21. “Well, unfortunately, only about half of them are actually of her, and even those suck ass.”
Investigators confirmed that even the few photos that featured Lavagnino failed to fully disseminate her 10-star hotness, and even made her appear less attractive than real life. Some photos even contained Lavagnino’s face pressed disgustingly close to those of her unattractive friends, with both subjects smiling in an unrealistic and nauseating manner. Additionally, about 38 photos depicted Lavagnino puckering her lips and sticking them up to other people or tourist attractions with the side of her face toward the camera while her eyes strained to look toward the lens.
“I had already looked through the albums that seemed ‘beachy’ or like they were about partying or something,” said Wyoming senior Eddie Graves, 21. “Like ‘Santa Barbara baby!!!!!’ Sounds promising, right? Well, try telling me that after 10 minutes of looking through vomit-inducing scenes of Jen pretending to be retarded with her actually-retarded friends and pretending to kiss other girls on the cheek.”
Graves added that while all of her unattractive friends were wearing bikinis in the beach photos, Lavagnino wore a full-length sarong tied around her neck in an extremely unappealing fashion.
According to some students, many of Lavagnino’s photo albums did not even warrant a view.
“I don’t even bother with the winter albums,” said sophomore Jeremy Starker, 19. “You standing at the top of a ski slope with your parents. Wow. I really want to see that.”
Others were more hopeful. Brian Childress, a 2004 Wyoming graduate with a deep interest in currently-enrolled females, told reporters that he never skips a Facebook album.
“Sometimes you find that one beautiful morsel in the least likely place,” Childress said in an interview Wednesday. “One time, I found a chick’s exposed midriff in an album full of Youth for Christ rally pictures.”
However, most Facebook crawlers are not that lucky. In fact, even the discovery of a sexy Facebook photo often provides very little stimulation. According to some researchers, an estimated 75 to 99% of such findings segue into pornography-viewing sessions.
