Further proof that not all celebrities make common folk feel insecure about their personal appearance.
A new study by the Institute of Mutantology just leaked to the Daily Shitraker reveals that chronic inbreeding caused the demise of the royal Spanish Hapsburg dynasty, reducing the potency of their DNA to the constituency of minestrone soup.
The Hapsburgs, one of Europe's most powerful royal dynasties, was so obsessed with securing its blue-blooded inheritance through family marriages that it brought about its own extinction through constant inbreeding and not introducing the odd boost of common peasant mongrel genes into the bloodline.
The Hapsburgs are probably best known as supplying all of the formally elected Holy Roman Emperors between 1452 and 1740, as well as rulers of Spain and the Austrian – Hungarian Empire. Originally from Switzerland, the dynasty first reigned in Austria due its monopoly control of imports and supplies of Chinese cocoa, Persian tomcat pelts and Moroccan tortoise polish.
The Hapsburgs ruled Spain from 1516 to 1700, presiding over the first global empire, but died out after generations of swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool, according to this latest genetic analysis report which compares their later descendants to the Adams family.
The moronic European royal fashion of marrying relatives to preserve their reptilian dynastic heritage culminated in a Hapsburg monarch who was so genetically inbred, and such a total wanker, that he was unable to provide an heir and power passed to the equally fucked up French Bourbons.
These congenital defects, both psychological and physical, have served to produce a merry mix of mental midget monarchs, delusional paranoid psychotics and raving psychopaths with the IQ of an autistic hamster.
The physical afflictions affecting the royal houses of Europe to this day manifest themselves as bat ears crying out for otoplasty, piranha teeth, slack jaws, and noses resembling an anteater’s snout. That’s just the visible physical externals.
Let’s not get onto the internal defects such as haemophilia, inherited thyroid deficiency, renal tubular acidosis, epilepsy, premature ejaculation and, conversely, impotency. If that’s Blue Blood, then they can stuff it.
Charlie, the Prince of Wales, a man who, one day, might just be king, holds topical conversations with his fellow veggies and is so bat-eared he resembles a taxi with the back doors open. His grotesque chinless wonder of a sister Anne, aka the Princess Royal, is dentally equipped to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
Mind you, one look at their supercilious and genocidal maniac of a father, Phil the Greek Exterminator, and the origin of their regal pedigree likeness is instantly obvious.
