Don't be fooled by the attention to grooming and pleasant aroma of high-cost cologne, these Houligans will beat you senseless as surely as they'll trade handies on the tube ride home.
Britain’s newly-formed SuperPlod Squad is launching a drive to track down wanted foreign fugitives from the global criminal syndicate Renta-Crook, believed to be hiding in the UK.
A preliminary search revealed several hiding in Parliament’s House of Conmans posing as MP’s – where they blended in with camouflage perfection with all the other career criminals.
Another quite obvious bunch, hidden in plain sight, from the ranks of Russia’s K.G.-used-to B, were found to be operating under deep cover personas, posing as the billionaire owners of several UK Premier league football clubs.
A detailed list of foreign scallies believed to be hiding in the UK has been published on the Plod-Squad website – complete with a comprehensive album of photographs of people they might know or have at one time sent Christmas cards to.
Coming in a first place for the ugliest on the scally list is Albanian pikey leper Kostas Backlash, who started out life as an old rope salesman before going into Greedy Grocer loyalty voucher counterfeit fraud and is wanted across Europe for his involvement in illicit swan roasting barbeques.
Irish online pornographer Seamus O’Sodom is on the list’s top ten scallies for the most disgusting list of crimes, and sought by plods on all six continents on charges ranging from marketing ‘penguin porn’ to hamster molesting and aggravated duck buggery.
The Shanghai-born Red-Handed Gang Triad leader Fuk Yew Tu gets a mention under several criminal charge headings – from controlling the shipments and sales of the highly addictive Tibetan Yak-brand narcotic rhubarb - to eyeball twisting and impersonating a light bulb.
Television celebrity outdoors survival guru Ray Mears curiously turns up on the Plod Squad’s most wanted list for ‘loitering with a tent’ while waiting for a bus on the southern outskirts of Bavaria’s Black Forest.
Apparently Mears told German Community Gestapo Support officers he was returning from a camping excursion and when they still tried to impose an on-the-spot fine he told them to ‘go and fuck spiders’ then avoided arrest by disguising himself as a patch of nettles.
Reports coming out of Buckingham Palace relate that QE2’s partner Prince Phillip is ‘fuming’ that his name has been added to the Plod Squad’s ‘Top Ten Most Wanted’ register by anarchist hackers who have labelled him a “Wannabee Pandemic Viral Genocidist” by virtue of his reincarnation fantasies.
The Prince was rumoured to be “royally pissed off earlier this month when hackers gained access to his Wikipedia page and described him as an inbred Greek mutant who’d been swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool.
Anyone with information on foreign – or home-grown - scallies listed on the Renta-Crook register can call Crimecroppers anonymously on 0800 555 111 or complete an anonymous online form at www.crimecroppers-uk.org.
If you want to get some hapless fucker into trouble then simply leave the name and address of a neighbour you don’t like and we’ll send a couple of Community Support thugs round to break their windows and stamp on their cat.
