Fighting crime is a way of life, but to do so without tripping over one's own pants, that's a gift.
Justin Justice has long protected the streets of Baton Rouge. He's credited with an overall drop in crime, an overall rise in well being and a general sort of pleasantness especially among the elderly. In an unprecedented move, Justin recently appeared in the documentary film Everything is Everything, produced by Studio 8 and distributed by First Look Rentals. We caught up with Justin on the streets of Baton Rouge to conduct this rare interview.
In the credits of the film, the producers of Everything is Everything credit the portrayal of your role to a local actor. As an invariable "super" hero, that can't be your real name nor identity, can it?
Many superheroes in life become the superheroes they are at some numeric point in their growing up: puberty, adulthood, the first growth of certain hairs. Some become superheroes because goop drops on them or because a tainted dog bites them in undisclosed spots. Justin Justice was born Justin Justice. In my pre-fetal days, my blood coagulated with the perfect consistency of an able-bodied crime-fighter's. I popped out of my mother in search of evil.
Due to the shadowy light in which your heroic, ingenious actions were shown, have you considered leaving Baton Rouge for a town that can better appreciate your contributions?
I've learned that a superhero is best used when he's bonded to a specific location and when I visited George [Bush], I found he was quite capable of making sure his hands were strong enough to handle the rest of the country like a proud father who grips his little one too tightly but nonetheless teaches the little one the lesson that was intended. If I stay in Baton Rouge, I'll be like a single candle on a birthday cake, and factoid: When there is only one candle aflame on the crest of a cake, the entirety of that cake is aware of that candle. So, too, Baton Rouge is aware of me.
Since the huge publicity earned in the film, have you had any incidences where criminals or other would-be wrong-doers have recognized you from the movie? How did they react?
Ha! Just this morning I silenced a group of rowdy out-of-towner school children whom their teacher obviously had no control of. A superhero must be in utter and complete control. Those children knew that. Last night, some local street youths, in seeing their city's protector, attempted to pass me a bottle of fine beer, but because I don't drink such ingredients and because they were in a moving automobile, the bottle smashed on the wall beside my head. I gave them a hero's wave of recognition as they drove off.
When you choose to fight crime in other cities, such as New Orleans, do you speak French?
I speak the language of peace, if that's what you mean, the sweet-smelling, bone-shattering, meandering, thorough language of peace.
Do you feel obligated to fight crime when on vacation? Where have you vacationed?
You obviously haven't studied closely the superhero's way of life. Factoid: Crime, like certain breeds of African horses, never sleeps! 78% of crime is conducted to innocent sleeping people. My vacation will come when every last wrong-doer has been swept under the rug of justice, when every lamp post is cleaned, when every little child's toy is safe in its toy box.
Bruce Banner owns many corporations, other heroes support their costly crime-fighting with day jobs as scientists, engineers or journalists. Clearly your heroism is costly, how do you fund it?
Patriotism and dreams of tomorrow - that's freedom to you.
That's a strange answer. Okay, I'll just put down "other".
Is it true that you utilize seized cocaine and PCP (as suggested in Star magazine) to sustain your superhuman powers?
Is it true that the human eye will function at half its intended pace depending on what is put in front of it? Yes! Factoid: The human eye is an organ that closely resembles the human mouth. It digests words like a mouth digests bread or certain candies or other edibles. If you feed it correctly, things like a dictionary or a colored toad or a steel cage with a rainbow in it, it will grow and give back to you ten-fold what you have taken from it.
Okay, another random answer. I'll put that one down as "yes".
I'm sure you get this all the time, but how much do you bench?
I never bench. Benching increases only two things: The size of your muscles and the ability of your arms to bend. As a superhero, I need to strengthen as many heroic categories in one sitting as I can. That's why, say, if I do a push-up I do it over a melting block of iced toilet water with one hand, while trying to avoid the other hand which is trying to poke my eyes out. Or I might practice my leaping skills from one chair to the next and as I go along, each chair has one less leg, teaching me to notice how many legs a criminal has to judge just how to apprehend him. So you see, the gym and its simplistic muscle-building machines is no place for a superhero.
Are your undergarments flame retardant? If so, can they even retard flames of the Dale Kernie magnitude?
Dale? I don't know what you mean, but a superhero wears his undergarments on the outside, if you haven't noticed. And no, they are not retarded; however, yes, they will repel flames of up to 900 degrees and more. They also increase my natural calculation skills, help me float when necessary, make me swifter, less slow, more demanding, able to leap higher with less need to worry about weight, as well as a host of other things the average citizen couldn't understand.
Were you afraid that being in the film might reveal weaknesses to your enemies?
Were any weaknesses revealed to you? Factoid: Justin Justice has an average of 0.679% weakness! That's a small number when you think just how big Baton Rouge is. I'm not worried so you shouldn't be either. Unless you're a criminal.
What's the strongest weapon in your arsenal?
Hmm, the strongest weapon? It would have to be my unsalted accelerator rator. Though I dare not use that unless I have no other choice in the matter at hand.
Is there one or more "ladies of justice" in your life?
[His eyes narrowed to piercing slits that gazed questioningly at me, but nothing was said for several moments and I decided to just go on to the next question.]
Any new crime-fighting weapons you're currently working to develop that you can tell us about?
There's the Bone Construction Management Meter which can identify if someone was a delinquent when they were alive and to what degree. Let's see, I'm working on something called a Deployment Dungeon which is no more than a mobile criminal holding facility. And the very latest thing will soon be every criminal's nightmare, but this will take some time to develop, a Quadrarang.
What advice can you offer to kids who don't know where to turn in an era of South Park, Sponge Bob and Beavis and/or Butthead?
They can turn to the streets with bags and clubs. The bags are to pick up litter and needles and drugs so they can carry them away from Baton Rouge and dump them in some landfill somewhere where only small animals like moles and rodents and pests can get at them. And the clubs are to chase away from the city all the nay-sayers and wrong-doers and good-for-nothings. Factoid: The common house child is in no way fit enough or shaped enough to handle the average or even below average criminal, however, there is a ratio of 7 children to every 1 criminal in this city, and when you add those numbers up and the youths take to the streets in their totality, they will have a total pushing power of about 8,656 tons. That's enough to move even the heaviest crime-lover. Now if you'll excuse me, I hear the screams of a worm who is being strangled by a bird of some sort and I must be off.
