Yep, that just about ought to get us back on the right track.
President Obama and congressional leaders announced today that the nation's economic crisis will be solved by making a single trip to a nearby Coinstar machine. With on-going wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and decades of unprecedented domestic spending, the nation has built up an enormous sum of loose change over the past several years, in treasuries, federal banks and oversized coffee mugs across the nation's capital.
"Every purchase the nation makes gives us some change," said treasury secretary Tim Geithner. “Those rockets the department of defense buys do not always come out to an even dollar amount. What do you think happens to all those pennies, nickels and dimes?" As an example, Gueithner mentioned a single empty Whitman's Chocolates box in the Pentagon that alone had accumulated over $100 billion worth of spare change.
The total dollar amount of the accumulated coins is undetermined, but estimated at roughly $5 trillion. According to leading economists, that amount would be enough to wipe out the national debt, fund the Iraq and Afghanistan wars for several years, save Social Security and maybe even pick up a box of that new cereal we've been meaning to try.
The Army Corps of Engineers is organizing transportation of the loose change to a Food Giant in Glen Burie, Maryland. After pouring the change in the Coinstar's slotted metal tray and lifting the tray so the coins slide down the shoot, the nation will wait for the Coinstar machine to "catch up" and calculate the total amount of the transaction. It is estimated that roughly $75 billion in foreign coins and defective U.S. coins will wind up in the rejection slot. The foreign coins will be used to pay down foreign debt (mainly from Canada.) The defective coins will likely be given to that annoying homeless guy sitting outside the entrance. The collected lint (estimated at approximately 5 tons) will be made into quilts and given to orphans.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, has been entrusted with executing the momentous transaction. "I have to be careful here," said Mullen, "if I accidentally push 'donate to charity' instead of 'cash voucher' we'll really be screwed."
After receiving the nearly $4.5 trillion voucher (after the standard Coinstar 8.9 percent deduction,) the nation will feel obligated to make a small purchase at the popular supermarket, instead of just cashing it all in.
President Obama explained, "We'll probably just buy some peanut butter, because we're always running out anyway. And, we might even pick up a magazine and some Ferrero Rocher chocolates because we're feeling kind of rich. I mean, this was money we didn't even realize we had."
Fiscal conservative Ron Paul criticized the plan, saying the 8.9 percent Coinstar processing fee was "a waste of taxpayer money." However, congressional leaders, not keen on rolling $5 trillion worth of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters into little paper rolls, decided that Coinstar would be the most attractive option.
Food Giant daytime manager Tom Benke said he wasn't sure if he would have enough cash on hand to redeem the Coinstar voucher, but he would make every effort to help the nation meet its goal. "Well, we normally keep $200 in each till and we have a safe in the back with about $1500 in it. So that's about 3500 bucks as of right now. I can't guarantee we'll have the full $4.5 trillion on hand when they get here, but we'll see what we can do. In case we don't have the cash, the nation can feel free to make any purchases they want...up to the total amount of the voucher that is."
In the event the Food Giant runs out of money, the nation has crafted a contingency plan. U.S. leaders said they will buy all of the lottery tickets at the store's customer service desk, and either play them, or sell them to Mexico at a reduced price. President Obama said that he was leaning toward Powerball tickets because "if you buy a couple trillion tickets, your odds of winning have got to be pretty good." Additionally, the silver dust from trillions of scratch-off tickets would likely pose a catastrophic environmental hazard.
