Man on the street poll. NEEDS to lose another ten pounds or just five?
I've been dieting for the past 20 years. So believe me when I say I am well-qualified to give diet advice to overweight folks. Did you know that according to the FDA, 132% of the population is overweight? Yes, even embryos are eating too much.
No, i'm not selling a book. I'm going to give you my diet secrets for free. All I ask is that you send me a "before and after" picture of you-completely naked. DAY ONE
I recommend an enema. This doesn't have to be done by a professional - have grandma do it for you. Yes, grandparents are good for something besides giving you money.
Drink approximately six to ten 12-ounce glasses of herbal tea. The cyanide tea is highly recommended. Please remember, cyanide gives you a "full" feeling, and you will vomit. Yes, it's poisonous, but you'll reap the weight-losing benifit of puking for several hours.
Approximate weight lost on Day One - 10 to 15 pounds, depending on whether you hurl your small intestines.
DAY TWO
Fiber is your friend. Tree bark and/or Kellogg's "All Bran" cereal are veritable" Flush-O-Rama's", and the results on your figure will be dramatic.
Drink lots of alcohol to coat your inners. Now get out a hacksaw. If you're squeamish or don't like the sight of blood, DON'T DO IT. Erm...just forget the hacksaw idea. Go to next idea.
BEFORE... Before I figured out how to get sick and almost die, I didn't know a good invasive way.
AFTER the invasive life-threatener, look how lean and gorgeous I am.
Another "happy?" customer? He did actually pull through this one
Okay, be sure you have a plunger handy, because, mark my words, you're going to need it. And, reading materials are essential - you're going to be in the bathroom for 10 straight hours.
Approximate weight lost on Day Two - 20 to 30 pounds.
How do you maintain your new slim figure? This is where it gets a tad bit risky. You can't eat more than 200 calories a day, or you'll blow the plan. Keep in mind, I'm an expert at how to lose weight, not maintaining it. You're on your own with that.
