South London’s Homicide Squad went on full alert after receiving a 999 call suggesting a potential murder was in progress - but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story.
An emergency call operator at Scotland Yard heard muffled voices and a man shouting: "Come out or else, I'm warning yer - I’ll rip your effin’ bollocks off yer thievin’ git."
The brutal threats were followed by the sounds of whining - then the line went dead. Police immediately returned the call fearing the worst, only to receive a voice messaging service.
PC Numpty of the Armed Response Ballistic Squad told reporters “I was going to leave a message saying “If you have been murdered please call back for assistance at your earliest convenience” – however Sgt. McTwat told us to stop fucking the cat and to trace the call and investigate forthwith.”
The call was tracked down to the city’s Shitdale Hamlets area and the phone registery corresponded to an owner with a home address at 15, Shitdale Crescent.
The responding team, led by CID Inspector Arthur Fuctifino, stormed the property and arrested a white male in his mid-forties who was engaged in a classical Mexican stand-off with an Albanian Pikeyhound. The dog – hackles raised and snarling – was cornered behind a garden shed by a certain Stanley Gormless who was armed with a garden brush.
After PC Numpty floored Mr. Gormless with a well-aimed baton round to the back of the head the suspect was disarmed, cuffed and given a good kicking - at which point the Pikeyhound relaxed, sat on the lawn and dropped the cellphone he’d been gripping in his mouth.
A hysterical female, identified as Mrs. Gormless, the suspect’s wife, ran screaming into the garden, pleading with the group of police officers to stop booting her husband and let her explain the situation.
Apparently Bonkers, their twelve-month old Albanian Pikeyhound had been forbidden to use the cellphone due his habit of ringing a certain neighbouring poodle bitch and whining down the phone for hours, using up the pay-as-you-go credit.
Husband Stanley caught Bonkers in the act of sneaking the house cellphone off a table and pursued him into the garden, trying to corner the dog with a brush. At which point Bonkers, fearing for his life, dialled 999 for police assistance.
Bonkers was taken into protective custody by an RSPCA officer and will undergo psychological counselling to help alleviate the stress he suffered from the ordeal.
Conversely, while Mr. Gormless, a reformed rhubarb addict, will not be charged with any offence but simply cautioned, his name will be entered into the Pet Offenders Register.
