NOT another Dre Day. In a class action suit filed by industry hacks, allegations were made that noted rap artist and producer Dr Dre violated anti-trust laws, due to his control of some 70% of the industry's gold and platinum record reserves. It was proven in court hearings that he unfairly stifled competition by "repeatedly failing to suck and making the rest of us sound like shiz-nit."
The suit, headed by Messy Mix Maurice, North Polio, and Pig Pen Rhyma contend that many nation's economies are out of balance due to the unfair control of these gold records. Little sympathy was given to Dre when it was determined that he had amassed so many gold records he'd been using them to level his kitchen table. Or as Dre himself put it "I sell more records at my garage sale than they do all year."
The court order demands that Dre be split into two separate and autonomous divisions: future rap works may not feature bitches and future producing tracks may not feature blunts, nor may he be involved in any post-production work. Also, the court has ordered that he must open his code by February and reveal his source beats and their operating pricipals. This, proponents say, will allow for greater compatibility with other music, though Dre contends "it should be compatible with crap."
Earlier, Dre and his attorneys filed a motion to resolve the matter through binding arbitration in a hip-hip freestyle "hooray", but parties could not agree on terms. Plaintiff's requested Dre's mouth first be anesthetized and that he be forced to rap in Latin, legalese or Vulcan. Dre's attorney's suggested instead that the Plaintiff's should each eat dicks and step off before somebody gets popped in the ass.
"What the f*ck?" quipped Dre. "What, do I have to share my El Dorado too?" In a later press release, it was determined that while Dre would not have to share possession of his El Dorado, he would be required to drive around with his new court appointed "peeps" and/or "home boys".
Confident that "the man got his head ten kinds of up his *ss," an appeal has been filed, sponsored by the Citizens for Tolerable Rap. The appeal is written primarily using Dre's own lyrics. As such, it is completely unintelligible to middle class white people, but he knows they'll still buy it.
