Little do these tourists know, that behind them, in the seemingly placid expanse of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle, lies a highly sophisticated command and control center.
Iran. North Korea. Disneyland. What do they have in common? They are all part of President George W. Bush’s updated “Axis of Evil,” which, due to the non-linear geography of these three nuisances, has been re-labeled, the “Trifecta of Evil.”
It has long been rumored that Disneyland has been keeping an arsenal of intermediate- to long-range ballistic missiles in a hidden chamber beneath the “It’s a Small World” attraction. A Disney cast member has recently spoken out, saying that this chamber does indeed exist, and further, that at the heart of Matterhorn Mountain lies a high-tech uranium enrichment facility.
Michael Eisner could not be reached for comment, so we spoke to someone dressed in a Goofy costume. “I’m not supposed to talk about it,” he said. “We all have to sign a confidentiality agreement to work here, y’know? But now that we’re talking… you know those animatronic characters in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’? They aren’t just for fun, man, they’re actually deadly terminator-type robots ready to wreak havoc on Anaheim at a moment’s notice!”
Digging deeper, this GlossyNews reporter went a step farther and spoke with the hot chick dressed up as Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” She giggled, “Well of course we’re a global superpower, silly. Just how do you think that the Haunted Mansion got those nine-hundred ninety-nine ‘happy haunts?’” Note: this reporter did get her phone number.
Further investigation reveals that Disney has indeed discovered the Temple of the Forbidden Eye while excavating for its Indiana Jones Adventure. Nothing is certain, but rumors abound that a deadly mind-altering weapon has been found, along with a chamber full of thousands of tiny skulls.
Additional reports say that Tom Sawyer’s Island is actually a munitions stockpile of both light and heavy man-portable weapons and millions of rounds of ammunition. Finally, it has been confirmed that the Star Tours ride is just a charade – you actually do fly to the moon of Endor and battle the Death Star. This far outpaces anything in the current U.S. space-going fleet.
President of Vice Dick Cheney commented, “It’s for this and other reasons that I have just finalized my purchase of NORAD’s former home of Cheyenne Mountain. I intend to live there until this whole thing blows over, maybe spruce up the place with some drapes and a faucet from Kohler.”
