SHROPSHIRE, ENGLAND– Many eyebrows were raised last Friday when favored patrician Edward Randolph Cunningham III declined to receive a conciliatory trinket in recognition of his second-place showing at the 19th annual croquet tournament held at the Duchess of Shrewsbury's palace. Mr. Cunningham rejected the prize on the grounds that accepting such a shameful marker of his inadequacy would cause his dignity to suffer most unduly.
Upon presentation of the award by Her Grace the Duchess, Mr. Cunningham flatly said, "No, thank you," and turned sharply on his heel. Upon further insistence by his peers he remarked that to accept the award would "simply be unbecoming of a man of my status," and "wouldn't they agree?" The prize, a small silver cup mounted on a base of hand-carved black walnut, was not even engraved with Cunningham's illustrious name.
The snub, which was taken not at all well, has inspired many well-to-doers to make subtle yet poignant remarks about Cunningham's apparent lack of humility when it comes to these sorts of affairs. These remarks, though often veiled in thick layers of sarcasm and wit, are no less disparaging towards Cunningham's character.
"Perhaps he would do well to have one of his servants accept it on his most honorable and gracious behalf," quipped Sir Waldron Clarke, monocle wearer. "Surely it would not be above any of them to receive such a prize."
Sir Harold Allwright won the tournament by a respectable margin, but admits to finding little to celebrate in his victory. "There is little fun in competing with a poor sportsman, and frankly, I won't have any of it," said Allwright. "I still consider Edward a friend through all this, but I sincerely hope he comes to his senses before tea."
Since the affair, Mr. Cunningham has not been formally invited to any to-dos held by England's aristocrats, or even to events hosted by the various secret clubs, organizations, and fellowships of which he is member. The Men and Women's Society for Gentlemen and Ladies has decried Cunningham's actions as "bad form," and insists upon a formal written apology before they will again recognize him as holding the celebrated title of Sublime Ambassador to the Royal Enigma.
"Mr. Cunningham often values his pride above good behavior," remarked Lady Olivia Windsor, wealthy heiress. "We landed gentry have come to expect this sort of thing from Edward, but his recent faux pass is nonetheless offensive to our refined sensibilities. It shall forever be regarded as a black mark in his family's history."
Cunningham, who has recently turned to a bottle of Auchentoshan 1973 in order to ease the pain of seclusion, has occasionally been seen in his yard either practicing his stop-shot or preparing for next Saturday's bocce competition where it is generally agreed that he will make a complete arse of himself.
