Image courtesy of FOX, the only network boasting exclusive content contracts with Donald Trump, and Satan.
After his alleged untimely death at the hands of angry stockholders from his casino empire, Donald Trump has been resurrected from Hell by the Devil himself, along with his show, and sent to roam the world in search of a "Devil’s Apprentice".
Satan granted a short interview, describing his decision to reanimate Trump and increase his level of malevolence: “NEVER QUESTION ME!!” he pointed at the startled reporter before recalling what he was there for. “Sorry I went all Trump on you just then. That guy just has a way of getting under your skin,” he explained.
“After watching that mob strangle Trump with his own comb-over, I knew he had a greater purpose. Rather than just have him languishing around in the Fourth Circle of Hell bossing Plutus around, I decided to put him to work,” Satan gleefully explained. “This marks a new era in crappy reality television, unlike the world has ever seen,” Satan laughed manically.
In short, 12 contestants are split into two teams that compete in weekly competitions for the possibility of being named the “Devil’s Apprentice” and ruling a minor backwater Domain in Hell. The losers are simply fired and cast into the bottomless pit to face an eternity of torment. Filming a pilot episode in a nanosecond, Satan allowed reporters to review the reality show designed to kill off any remaining brain cells left in humanity.
In Week One team members are introduced and their first task is to name their respective teams. Team 1 opted for “We Got Baals”, while Team 2 chooses the less obnoxious “Hades, Inc.” Their first task was to plan and pitch a halftime show for the Super Bowl designed to harvest as many souls as possible. “We Got Baals” selected Jennifer Lopez and plotted a wardrobe malfunction involving a daring derrière display, sure to bring the biggest proportion of the population to the Dark Side. “Ben Affleck always said J. Lo’s ass was the Highway to Hell, so we’re going to test that notion,” said Project Manager Ryan Seacrest of "American Idol" fame.
“Hades, Inc” meanwhile pitched a more subtle ploy involving pop R&B star Usher, an upside down crucifix and backwards masking of satanic lyrics in the music accompaniment tapes. “Nobody understands what he’s saying anyway, so we figure it a slam-dunk to work those lyrics in,” said Project Manager Chris Carter, creator (and destroyer) of "X-Files", "Millennium" and "Harsh Realm". Hoping to either redeem himself for that last movie "X-Files" movie, Carter allegedly sold his soul to the Devil for an opportunity to screw this up, too.
By Week Two both teams were allowed to try out their evil plans on a test audience. “We Got Baals” effectively converted 37% of the test audience using J. Lo’s pugnaciously overexposed posterior as a gelatinous tool of Satan, absorbing souls like a Blob from Hell. “Damn, her ass is HUGE after dropping those twins off,” Satan noted. “You can probably see that thing from space!” Satan also acknowledged he expected a higher rate of conversion considering the advantageous scale of economy her ass enjoys.
Meanwhile, “Hades, Inc.” subverted Usher’s song “Yeah” with satanic, backwards chanting of “I give my soul to Satan…Yeah!” at the subconscious level, garnering a spectacular 67% conversion rate. “It occurred to me that we could have probably squeezed some subliminal advertising for ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still II’ in there…but that would just be cruel,” confessed Chris, much to the ire of The Evil One. And Satan wasn’t too happy, either.
But a deal is a deal, so “We Got Baals’ was promptly called into the Boardroom to determine who would be the first soul cast into the fiery pit. After a brief but futile defense, Project Manager Ryan Seacrest is selected for sacrifice, actually kicking the ratings up a notch. After he is set afire by a horned and hoofed Trump, The Pit opens beneath his chair and he falls in flames, screaming in torment before disappearing into the Darkness below.
While Trump laughed and danced on his desk, a host of demons jumped up and down on J. Lo’s ass trying to stuff it into the Pit after Ryan. “I’ll bet that not the first time J. Lo’s had a bunch of demons pounding her in the ass,” laughed Chris Carter, high-fiving teammates Affleck and P. Diddy.
After joyfully tormenting the winners, Trump assigned the usual meaningless and demeaning tasks to both teams while pissing fire on their self-esteem. “Actually, he’s a lot less obnoxious now than he was when he was alive,” Satan laughed. Next week, “Life on Mars” creator Mathew Graham takes over the reins at “We’ve Got Baals,” and faces off against “LOST” creator J. J. Abrams and team “Hades, Inc.” Their task: convince viewers that it’s time travel and not Limbo going on in both of those damned shows.
“I think Abrams has the upper hand in this task,” noted Satan. “He’s been stringing the viewers along for five seasons with this fringe-science soup of pseudo-mystical mumbo-jumbo. Technically, that’s how we sucker most of our denizens into Limbo,” Satan mused.
