"I may look good in flowing garbs, but that does not mean I'm no patriot... quote that, [it] sounded good."
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta today confirmed that actor Johnny Depp has indeed been infected with the dreaded SAWNS virus (Sudden Acute Withdrawal of Nutsack Syndrome).
The CDC sent a team of specialists to Depp’s home in the south of France on Friday, after reports emerged that Depp’s voice had risen several octaves during public rebuttals of comments made while interviewed by the German Magazine Stern, wherein he equated America to a broken toy and dumb puppy with teeth. Bystanders also claimed that Depp was “walking funny.”
It is the first appearance of SAWNS on foreign soil and there is growing concern that a worldwide epidemic may be in the offing. “Unlike SARS, which appeared as a seasonal outbreak, like the Flu, SAWNS has shown no signs of retreating,” said Rebecca Nordstrom of the CDC, “and it may be mutating, which would help explain the severity of Mr. Depp’s condition, who, as we discovered a few days ago, has no balls to speak of whatsoever.”
The SAWNS virus first appeared during the winter of 2000, strangely involving yet another Hollywood celebrity, Alex Baldwin. The politically-minded actor had planned a permanent vacation abroad to celebrate the outcome of the
CDC advises castratos to "have no fear" of SAWNS, nor it's symptoms... oh, and to "keep on singing, boys."
presidential campaign, only to remain in the country on discovering he had SAWNS. Since then the virus has spread in less publicized cases across the United Sates, often infecting those who frequent neighborhood taprooms or who work at PBS.
The CDC thought they made a breakthrough this past year on discovering that aging literary icons Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal had been both exposed repeatedly to the SAWNS virus yet showed no ill effects. Sadly each writer refused testing on philosophical grounds and fear of cold hands. When Mailer was asked by Fox News Channel anchor Brit Hume whether he might reconsider, now that Johnny Depp was infected, Mailer responded in typical surly fashion: “That punk better hope his nutsack hasn’t dropped if he ever crosses my path, because this time I’ll put it in his throat with my boot-print on it.” Mailer then proceeded to kick Hume in the groin.
As The Morning News goes to press, a strange turn of events has suddenly given hope to the CDC. Rebecca Nordstrom has confirmed that they may have found SAWNS’ “Typhoid Mary,” and that she has agreed to cooperate with CDC biologists. A spokesman for Janeane Garofalo offered the following public statement: “Miss Garofalo has granted tests with the understanding that she is always willing to do what she can to help men recover their balls, but with the added caveat that she does not have, nor ever has had, a nutsack.”
Editors note; I actually really like Johnny. Kind of an acting hero for me. Please, don't take this as an editors assault, just an American counter attack... Kisses!
