LOS ANGELES, Ca. – Justin White, 26, was pleased to find that upon waking up and applying copious amounts of Axe deodorant body spray to his hairless upper torso, his day unfolded exactly as depicted in a recent commercial he saw for the product.
"I knew things were going well when I got into the elevator at work and the boss’s hot secretary couldn’t keep her hands off me," said White, hair ruffled from near-perpetual sexual activity. "Normally she doesn’t even notice me, but as soon as she smelled that body spray she pushed the emergency stop button and started tearing my clothes off, just like on TV!"
But this was just the first of the hundreds, if not thousands of women that White was implied to have sex with on that day alone. As depicted in the commercial, which began airing on the first of this month, his naughty adventures were just beginning.
Upon exiting the elevator, White was immediately pursued by a handful of businesswomen in tight skirts and long heels who, according to nearby male observers, were very deliberate in taking off their glasses and letting their hair down as they gave chase. "It’s not that I didn’t want to bone them," admitted White. "It’s just that they had this ferocious look in their eyes that I’m not used to getting from women. It was arousing and alarming."
White was chased out of his office and onto the streets where he was quickly accosted by hyper-sexed female tennis players, nurses, Japanese and Catholic schoolgirls, equestrians, and countless other fetishized versions of otherwise normal women. It is unclear how exactly all these women knew of White’s whereabouts though a stiff breeze is suspected. Other than White, no men were present in the throng.
Since this first incident over a week ago, White has unsurprisingly repeated the scenario on a daily basis. Scientists and researchers have journeyed from all across the country to observe the phenomenon with mixed success.
"The first time we attempted to document the phenomenon we grossly underestimated the ‘Axe Effect,’" said Jonas Finch, professor of biology at Harvard University. "The female scientists in our research team were no match for the manly musk that exuded from every pore of Mr. White, and needless to say, their resultant behavior was completely unprofessional. Lots of valuable data was compromised when half our team went from being objective observers to all out participants in the lascivious foray."
Scientists from various fields have also documented the distinct nonpresence of any women of hotness below an "8" anywhere within a one mile radius of White whenever he is using the deodorant.
None of this comes as a surprise to Unilever, the multi-national corporation that has had incredible success with Axe (or Lynx as it is called in Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, and the United Kingdom) since its release in the US in 2002. "An intoxicating scent that provides you with a never-ending supply of promiscuous girls is exactly what we have to offer with every application of Axe body spray and deodorant," said Lucy Cummings, spokesperson for Unilever. "We have no intention of fooling our customers with misleading ads; what you see is what you get."
Still, Cummings could not deny that the effects are not permanent. "If you want attention from the ladies you’re just going to have to keep buying more." At this point in the interview Ms. Cummings smelled the masculine aroma of an Axe-user in the vicinity and bolted in his direction without further comment.
As Cummings suggested, White’s popularity with the ladies returned to a balanced and normal level last Friday when he left home using an alternative deodorant on account of having run out of his "precious" Axe. "It was very sad," said White. "Melissa, my boss’s secretary, wouldn’t even look at me when I walked by her in the office. All the women I ran into that day, hot or not, didn’t really treat me like anyone special."
"Some of the babes were waiting for me outside the office, I guess as a force of habit," continued White, "but they were all interested in talking and getting to know me as a person instead of just wanting to get it on. I’m not a very interesting person so you can guess how that went."
White, due to this recent let down, is now more eager than ever to continue purchasing Axe so he can again have the satisfaction of being a sexually desired male. "I’ve got a new can of Axe just waiting to be opened, but I think I’m going to take a few days off and reflect on how I depend on this product as a below-average man."
"I hear there’s a new scent coming out, and I can’t wait to see the commercial so I can know just what kind of sexy girls are going to want to sleep with me," continued White. "All I can say is it had better work, because I’m not paying $5.99 for something that doesn’t get me laid."
