AUSTIN, TX — While watching TV yesterday, Andy Willowhair of Austin saw an anit-drug commercial featuring star Tony Danza, who earnestly told young viewers that smoking pot just isn’t cool. He cited his own coolness as evidence that one could be cool without doing drugs. Willowhair was grabbed by the catchy, hip-hop tone of the commercial and the natural appeal of Tony Danza.
"Dude! I didn't get a hit! Wha? Did you laugh? I can feel my nose hairs, man!"
"Dude," said Willowhair, “I was like, high or something, man, and I saw this commercial, and I was like whoa, that has a lot of meaning, dude! Man, dude, I was like… yeah! I woulda quit a long time ago if I knew he wasn’t into it, cuz he’s like a great…actor and thinker and…I dunno, some shit."
Willowhair said that until the worthlessness of drugs had been clearly explained by someone whose opinions he respected as much as Tony Danza’s, he had simply not challenged the value of doing drugs. However, Danza’s brilliant pun, “Monkey with drugs and they’ll monkey with you,” struck a chord with Willowhair, who laughed for 45 minutes and then ate an entire bag of Oreos. Willowhair lamented the fact that no one before Danza had informed him on the ill effects of drugs.
“Dude, why the hell didn’t someone tell me about this? For years I ignored TV commercials, radio commercials, magazine ads, informative posters, surgeon general’s warnings, my parents and old Mr. Kruntz next door. Geez, man, if I’d only known! I’m just a dumb student with no free will or power to make any of my own decisions. Why didn’t anybody tell me?” asked a distressed Willowhair.
Willowhair explained that had he had been barraged nonstop with anti-drug messages from the day he was born, he might have listened to some of it.
When asked if he would stop drinking alcohol as well, Willowhair replied no, because the commercial hadn’t mentioned anything about that. He added that he'd considered implementing his own idea, a bracelet reading "Don’t Monkey With Drugs, Man!", but forgot about the idea a half-hour later.
Willowhair currently plans to stop using drugs, and to seek out other messages informing him on what his opinions should be. He said he hopes to see a comercial he sort of remembers "...about dudes flying in helicopters and wearing awesome fatigue pants, I think."
"I don't need life cause I'm high on drugs. Uh, only dopes dig me...cut! Take three! This is my brain on...aw, shit, what's my line?"
