For centuries homosexuality has been the plague of sexual being and the greatest obstacle of human reproduction. Today we may celebrate the end of this period, as I have successfully cured homosexuality. The most significant scientific discovery since DNA has occurred. Maxwellian thought has risen to new heights. I have taken a homosexual subject and successfully turned them into a healthy heterosexual; this event surely demonstrates that science does in fact have practical uses. But this is more than a scientific victory; it is also a personal victory, for the subject was my own pot-holing daughter, Elizabeth Jane Maxwell.
Fervent fans may recall that my daughter betrayed me by turning into a vile lesbian, I have successfully ended this heresy through a determined and considered programme of heterosexual reconditioning, offering bouncy and shiny heterosexuality. The split ends have been sealed through this programme of conditioning which is truly a cleansing of the soul and mind on a most magnificent scale. I am aware of the feelings of amazement and joy that will be overwhelming you now, so you may want to take a break here.
Take a break in an effort to absorb this truly astounding information.
Welcome back, I hope you have now absorbed this discovery so I will endeavour to explain how this amazing achievement came about. After being left heartbroken by my daughter's pot-holing, I made the important decision of instigating a scientific project in an effort to resolve the issue of homosexuality and offer a final solution. The tools that were required for my project were a loud, authoritarian, i.e. male, voice (for shouting threats and derisory comments), a shotgun (for lesbian hunting), and a determined and rational scientific mind. This was clearly a deep responsibility that had been thrust upon me by the lord and I was determined to do my holy service as a devout English protestant. So I set out to do God’s work, and rid our earth of the scourge of homosexuality. Homosexuality has torn apart numerous good Christian families and I realised that my mission was a crusade against the infidels of sexuality. I have provided a diagram to explain my methodology for curing homosexuality.
As we can see the process for curing homosexuality is not a complicated one but nevertheless takes a certain strength of character and the legal right to brandish a gun. Let us do the sum together below, you may want to note this down if you have a poofter son or pot holing daughter, or you have suspicions about a relative (flamboyant clothing etc).
HOMOSEXUALITY
Minus
GAY PRIDE
Plus
MORALITY
Equals
RESPECTABLE HETEROSEXUALITY
So we see, if this method is employed you can regain the moral ground over these heretic homosexuals. This can be seen in my daughter who yesterday came back to me protesting her innocence and heterosexuality. Apparently her “girlfriend” accused Elizabeth of being a spy for the “norms” and it was then that my daughter realised that she belonged inside the straight tent. My threatening behaviour with a shotgun shocked her brain into fight or flight mode, my taunts of “heresy” and “sex fiend” shamed her into self doubt, it was then that my wisdom on morality embedded in Elizabeth’s mind, by this time the struggle was over and sexual sanity had won the day. These effects combined with Elizabeth’s disgust at living in a seedy flat in Cheltenham with muscle-bound dykes sealed the deal and she contacted her brother Richard H. Maxwell who promptly went to collect her in the Bentley I had bestowed upon him. As Elizabeth sat on the plush leather seats she knew that she had made the correct decision to submit to her father’s will, silly little thing.
As she approached the main entrance with her bag, I stood waiting. I greeted her with the words “Welcome back to the winning side my dear sweet daughter”. We hugged and wept in each other’s arms as my serving staff vigorously applauded. I promptly put an end to the clapping and told the lazy peasants to get back to work before I sacked them all!
I hope that my discovery has given hope to the parents of homosexual heretics, and may these despicable poofters be reunited with their parents as soon as my programme becomes well known. I hope that the parents experience the same joy as I did yesterday when I was reunited with my precious little girl.
