Hormones and high-caliber weaponry; throw some money-dissin' in the mix and you've got one wild she-devil on your hands.
MINNEAPOLIS - In a dramatic and deadly scene at the Hennepin County courthouse today, Theresa Seeback pulled out a gun during a domestic dispute hearing and fired repeatedly at her husband. Sheriff deputies shot and killed Seeback, but not before she had emptied ten rounds out of her pistol. Fortunately Roger Seeback, Mrs. Seeback's husband, fearing their children would find the weapon, had replaced the bullets with blanks just last week.
Mrs. Seeback was in court suing her husband Roger over a dispute involving a $14 million PowerBall lottery that Mr. Seeback had won several months ago. Mr. Seeback had given all the money to CARE for feeding starving children in Africa. The story, widely reported at the time, had won Mr. Seeback much praise for his humanitarianism.
However, Mrs. Seeback didn't agree with her husband's generosity. She sued, claiming he had no right to give the money away. In near hysterical statements made just before she pulled out the pistol, Mrs. Seeback delivered a near-hysterical disertation to her husband.
“You never gave me what I wanted! J.Lo got a five-caret diamond but all I got was a lousy two caret-solitaire! I drive a minivan, for God's sake! If you were a real man you would have bought me a Jaguar! You finally have the money to treat me the way I deserve, what do you do? You give it away to feed some fucking kids! Well, eat this, you dickless candy-ass!”
Guys, listen: If you win the lottery, buy the little woman something nice to wear, and be sure to include that special hand-held toy she's been asking about.
Mrs. Seeback then drew a .32 Beretta automatic from between her huge breasts and unloaded the magazine at her husband. Sheriff's deputies immediately drew their weapons and fired. Mrs. Seeback was struck four times in the heart. She was pronounced dead upon arrival at Our Lady of Charity Hospital. The county coroner remarked that the pistol-hiding breasts were "all-natural and quite remarkable".
Mr. Seeback released a statement expressing the family's heartfelt sorrow over the events. “We trust that God will finally reward Theresa with all she has earned.”
