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I had just read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but was left unfulfilled, hanging and wondering. Philosophically, I question this explanation of cause and effect, the idea that every action by a living organism in this world begets a reaction somewhere else.
I have decided to frame my interpretation of this in grander, yet simpler terms. Not to merely challenge Zen ideology and its perceptions and notions, but to offer my belief that for every one of these actions, the reaction can be perfectly explained.
My idea, the Cosmic Boink Theory, could help mankind understand such things as why, for instance, in Chicago, a man’s pants fall to the floor when a woman in Bakersfield flutters her eyelashes.
Cosmic Boink Theory could explain why Phil, the drunk driver coming home from an Oscar party in LA crashes his car, stumbles into the wrong house, is tossed out and sleeps on the sidewalk, but a teenager in Atlanta named Charlie wakes up with a hangover, pukes on the floor and asks “What is happening to me?”
The answer, my friends, is that at the very nexus of these two events, somewhere out there in the ether, a Cosmic Boink occured, a flash of light, followed by an audible boi-oi-oing or two.
Testing my hypothesis, I sat in the sand at Moonlight Beach, observing. The day was warm, the beach was crowded, a life flight chopper hovered overhead. I lapsed into a meditative stupor, eyes closed. Somewhere nearby, gulls screeched. Someone said “Get the hell out of my face!” A motorcycle revved its engine. I somehow knew it was a ‘57 Harley panhead, rider weighing 265 pounds, black leather jacket, German army helmet, and a tattoo on his left shoulder that said “Darlene.”
This was an unexpected rush of information. Was a Cosmic Boink nexus nearby?
As the Harley pulled away, I heard a gnawing, munching, wet slurping followed by a pop. I looked up. On the sand lay a young couple frozen into a Level 5 liplock. At precisely the same instant, a surfer wiped out, his board came ashore, he was nowhere to be seen.
Could this be...was I the sole witness to this obvious cosmic event? I walked over to the embracing couple. They remained oblivious until I began to shout.“What’s your problem?” the young man asked me.
“You’re at the Nexus!” I screamed. “Didn’t you see what just happened to that surfer!?” The girlfriend pulled out a cellphone, dialed 911. I began to walk hurriedly away, but didn’t get very far. Ironically, just as the cuffs snapped shut on my wrists, the car alarm went off on a pimped out ‘09 Escalade half a block away.
The doctors here at the Institute have been very supportive and kind. However, for my own safety, they won’t allow me pencil and paper. Maybe for now Cosmic Boink Theory has taken a hit, but I’ll be back. Just you wait.
