Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay.
Spokesman for the group, Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), said, "In this time of economic crisis not seen since the Great Depression, it is the responsibility of America's lawmakers to show the fiscal discipline and responsibility to make the tough decisions so Americans can afford the government they need.
This bipartisan effort will increase the efficiency of government, generate much needed revenue without placing untenable demands on the taxpayer, and remove that roadblocks the old thinking of the past so America can move into the 21st Century."
Co-Sponsors of the legislation, Democrat Sara Laurel, and Republican Orvil Hardy, said, "We're not even using the Bill of Rights anymore, so why bother keeping them around? They're like that old set of golf clubs in the garage. You keep them around because they used to mean a lot to you, but all they are really doing is getting in the way.
The average American would have no idea that we even have a Bill of Rights if we did not run around telling them about it all the time. Quick! What's the 7th Amendment? Nobody knows and even fewer care. So, we just figured, 'Why not make some money off them.' We are confident that most Americans will not even miss them, and law enforcement will gain a host of valuable tools to help keep our streets safer."
Concerns that less marketable Amendments, such as the 1st, 2nd, and 5th, would lead to low bidding, House Ways and Means officials decided to sell the Amendments separately and offer several "Bonus Buys" to lure prospective buyers. Some of these include; "Buy the 2nd Amendment and Get the 8th and 9th Free" , "Make the 1st Amendment Yours and Receive a Free Legislative Package to Make Irrelevant," and "Get the 5th Amendment Today and Receive Your Own Domestic Surveillance Network at 50% Off."
Ways and Means officials tell BSNE interest in the Bill of Rights is higher than expected despite the one billion dollar opening bid. Canada and "several smaller European countries" have placed early bids on several Amendments, "Largely because they are already a bunch of pinkos." Officials also speculate the surprising bids by China and Russia on the 6th Amendment "is either a joke, or an effort to drive the bidding up."
