(Washington, DC) In an unexpected response to widespread left wing propaganda that SUV's and their owners sponsor terrorism, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced Monday that orders were going out to all FBI agents and Federal Marshals to detain and interrogate all “Islamic” SUVs and their drivers without the need of warrants or due process.
Terrorist cels will use any and all means to attack the American dream. ABOVE: A common SUV stands ready to wreak havoc on innocent picnicers.
“When I was told the SUV threat existed, I looked out my window and saw one on my own street," said Ashcroft. "I immediately called the police. They came, and I ordered them to shoot the driver. Fred Wilkins was a pretty good neighbor, and I have no idea how he got mixed up in terrorism. Too bad for the kids...hopefully, they've learned that America is serious about fighting terrorism."
"Anyway," continued Ashcroft, "after that some agents took the SUV downtown for interrogation. I can't go into detail, but it wasn't pretty. However, what we know right now is it has a history of unstable tire pressure and direct ties to oil...we're not sure where. Could be Speedy-Oil, could be Pep Boys. We're checking all leads."
America, take no chances! If you see an SUV on the road, blow it to smitherines by any means possible. Take the hot babe home for interrogation.
"Clearly, the magnitude of this threat is greater than anything we faced last year. The country is crawling with terrorist SUV's. I'm authorizing all law enforcement agencies to act with extreme vigilance when dealing with them. We're talking about highway-roaming terrorist mosques-on-wheels, and they're in the hands of pagan suicide drivers.”
The Attorney General then left for work in his 2003 Hummer H-2. He was stopped a block away by federal agents who, after a brief standoff, fired a scud missile into the vehicle. It is not known if Ashcroft survived the blast.
