Drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse the memory problems manifested by Alzheimer's Disease, according to staff at a High Street Starbucks cafe in Smegmadale.
The experimental research, carried out by bored counter staff and waitresses on mice, also suggested caffeine hampered the production of the protein plaques which are the hallmark of the disease.
Previous research with the café’s cockroach population – prior to the annual fumigation to ease the premises’ resident vermin infestations - had suggested a protective effect from caffeine for retaining brain power - even though too much turned the test subjects into paranoid delusional nutters who then exhibited the shake-rock-and-roll symptoms of advanced Parkinsons.
The 80 mice used in the latest UK Starbucks study had been reared on a diet of stale muffins, news print and high octane panini – and developed the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease at an early age.
First the staff used behavioural tests to confirm the mice were exhibiting signs of memory impairment when they were aged 18 months - the equivalent to humans being about a comfy senile 70-plus.
This involved screening repeated TV webcam footage for the furry little vermin of another of their species getting his skull crushed in a mousetrap.
Two control groups were then established with half of one group on unleaded latte and the other on low sulphur cappuccino. The other control group were also split into two, with one half given decaf’ mixed with skimmed custard while the other got neat Bacardi Breezers.
The test subjects, clearly marked as to their respective control groups, were then loosed to mix with the café’s regular in-house vermin population each evening to cavort around the premises at will.
While 100% of the latte group avoided the mousetraps and vermin motels like the plague, only 90% of the cappuccino group observed similar scrutiny.
A mere15% of the diluted decaf group remembered the webcam mousetrap lessons and 85% got chopped in the first night due their addiction to blueberry cheesecake bait.
The Bacardi Breezers group totally avoided the traps – which was put down to the fact they were all too pissed to stand up and walk – with most suffering terminal hangovers the following morning and refusing to drink their daily tipple.
The Starbucks team now hope to commence human trials of their caffeine-plus treatment on their grand parents and elderly relatives to see if the mouse findings are replicated in people.
However their Starbucks_Beats_Alzheimer’s.com website clearly states that people wishing to conduct experiments and research on themselves or members of their family should limit their daily caffeine intake to twenty cups – max’.
Fellatia Fuctifino, chief executive of the Alzheimer's Research Trust, told the medical research correspondent from the Swine Flu Gazette that “This research by Starbucks staff might be all well and good with mice but what about the effect on elderly humans?”
“While I’ll admit they are superbly qualified to serve a splendid cup of coffee – does this qualification encompass Nazi-type caffeine-laced experiments on geriatrics that can no longer recognise themselves in a mirror”
