Despite a close run-in with Senor death, former president Clinton came through just fine.
Former President Bill Clinton, still in a hospital bed but doing well after heart bypass surgery Monday, yesterday received a Hallmark card containing a hand-written message from John Kerry expressing gratitude for the headline-grabbing emergency procedure that was "not a cheeseburger too soon."
The card revealed Kerry's relief and gratitude upon seeing that last week's announcement of Clinton's surgery preempted coverage of President Bush's appearance less than 16 hours before at the Republican National Convention. By undergoing open-heart surgery, Clinton prevented coverage of some of the mean things that were said about the presidential hopeful. "Your solidarity is admirable," Kerry wrote.
Sources say the acknowledgment caused the former president's face to light up dimly and his lips to move, possibly with some stirring words. Apparently, he also attempted to clench the hand lying at his side in a fist. Doctors said that at any time he should be able to speak loudly enough to be heard.
"It will be a few weeks before Mr. Clinton is up and about, chasing a nurse around and around the bed," said head surgeon Dr. C. U. Hart, "but the words of encouragement were quite welcome."
Not nearly as welcome was a singing bunny, sent today with instructions to remove every shred of clothing. The sender was unknown, but, said Dr. Hart, "I don't know what they were thinking."
Doctors barred the singing, scantily clad entertainer from the hospital room, but admitted angrily that "merely the revelation of her presence down the hall" led to an altercation where they had to sedate a very determined Mr. Clinton.
Patients in nearby rooms reported hearing shrieks of, "I'm ready to die! Please!"
Hillary Clinton was unable to confirm or deny the reports, as her husband's living will bars her from coming within 100 feet of any life-sustaining device and its power source. In a new message on her web site, she thanks all who have remembered her and her husband in their prayers, and suggests well-wishers may send "a nurse, preferably a blond, from the local service 'Willy's Tender Loving Care,' to take care of Mr. Clinton."
Even Ms, Lewinski was surprised he "pulled out of it" okay.
Meanwhile, the unfortunate ramifications of Mr. Clinton's condition have not gone unnoticed by White House strategists. "This surprising story will create sympathy and a renewed audience for one of John Kerry's most powerful allies," says Bush campaign staffer Dirk Bagg. "Why does everything bad have to happen to us?! Is it too much to ask that this time be another smooth seizure of power?!"
White House sources say Vice President Dick Cheney has been off his meds and scarfing cheese steaks since the news broke, but to no avail. Lawyers for the president have filed a lawsuit demanding equal time from Clinton's cardiologists, who thus far keep saying that Cheney should eat right and exercise, "another outrageous attack from those radical, liberal, Constitution-stompers," said President Bush with a wave of his fist, inadvertently punching a hole in the Constitution, which was hanging nearby.
But a plan revealed in a midday speech by the Bush administration has already been called pandering to Clinton sympathizers: "My administration, when in doubt, takes action. In fact, the more doubt, the more action.
"Heart disease is one of the leading causes of death in our great nation... a great nation with a lot of freedom. And this... terrible disease comes about because of the food that our fallen former Commander in Chief, like so many Americans, ate at McDonald's. I don't know about you, but in my dictionary that makes this food a weapon of mass destruction. And so, as we speak, coalition forces are marching into McDonald's headquarters, and that evil empire will soon be disarmed. Soon their deep fryers will fall silent."
Sources say a second invasion, of Burger King, has already been planned, thanks to intelligence data that suggests Clinton acquired a cardboard crown in north Africa.
Bill Clinton, meanwhile, faces a smooth but weeks-long recovery. Per Doctor's orders, all is quiet in the cardiac ward, and the only indication of anything out of the ordinary is a door flanked by two Secret Service agents and bearing a sign that reads: "Warning: female personnel keep out. The patient is NOT asleep."
