Do-be-do-be-do-be dooooo, I'm just a bearrrrrrr...
WASHINGTON, D.C.- President Bush announced Thursday that he will re-staff the Secret Service, replacing the current members with super-intelligent bears. This comes as a response to an Indiana man who allegedly fired shots outside the White House gate a few months back.
"I was appalled to hear that a man fired shots outside," said Bush. "If I had bears protecting me, this never would've have happened." The president hopes a small army of bears patrolling the White House lawn and perimeter fence will deter any threats to his safety. He has given the current officers of the Secret Service Uniformed Division two weeks notice, after which they will be replaced by grizzly bears and black bears. "Mr. Bush has been interviewing applicants," said White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. "He will be examining their clawing skills, biting skills, crushing skills, and, of course, intelligence."
The bear police, who can be distinguished from regular bears by their various adorable hats, a uniform designed by Bush personally, will began work August 27th. Aside from guarding the White House, they will accompany the president on all trips, public and private. "I look forward to working with the bears," he said. "They are far more effective then humans... it takes like 20 bullets to bring one down." Bush is also looking into developing a powerful bio-robotic bear. He said that ideally a "Robobear" would have titanium-laced bones, cyanide-tipped retractable claws, and eyes "that can shoot lasers."
"We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic bear," he said. "They will be better and stronger and faster." Bush will approach Congress with a plan for funding and building the bots sometime next week. "I am going to draw attention away from my 'Star Wars' plan momentarily to focus on the issue of safety," he said. "We must divert money toward creating a race of hyper-biobot bears."
As for the potential employees being interviewed, the president is pleased. "Mr. Bush is very impressed with their intelligence and vigor," said Fleischer. "He is certain a new era of unparalleled presidential safety is on the horizon."
