UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children.
Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre guidelines to stop schools being sued in the event of an accident – or a pupil going postal with an assault rifle over poor exam results.
One career teacher who spoke candidly with the media on conditions of anonymity (Ms. Gladys Scrunt) revealed the school ordered adults and children to wear gloves, goggles and face masks when using Blu-Tack.
Another told how the school banned them from using spray foam when marking out spaces on the games field in case a child slipped and drowned in it.
Going even further to the extreme, the traditional three-legged race, the sack race and the egg and spoon race were dropped from Sports Day because they were considered too dangerous following a lengthy risk assessment – and on reflection of the gym master getting skewered while measuring out the javelin throwing event in 2008.
However the pillow fight contest has now been approved on condition the participants wear helmets and body armour.
More than nine out of ten teachers reported school trips had been toned down or cancelled because of safety concerns – such as a recent trip to the Smegmadale Safari Park being scrubbed due fears that some of the children might get eaten by hungry wild animals.
One annual excursion to the beach has been shelved permanently after a risk assessment revealed children going swimming in the sea might get wet.
It follows conclusions in a Government-funded report last year that "perceived health and safety regulations were felt to have systematically undermined communities and the quality of their children's education".
The report was initiated after a 15-year old female secondary school pupil, who can’t be named for legal reasons (Fellatia McGammer), broke a fingernail during art class and had to be rushed by ambulance to the nearest manicurists.
Ms. Rita Scrunge, a spokeswoman for the Department for Children, Schools and Families told the education correspondent for the Cormorant Stranglers Weekly: "We urge schools to take a common sense approach to keeping pupils safe but a calculated amount of risk is part and parcel of growing up and we do not subscribe to a cotton wool culture of a sanitised childhood."
Asked for his opinion on the current health and safety hurdles facing schools, 96-year old registered sex offender Harry Slug told reporters “I never went to no school but I used ter play wiv the kids that did.”
“I ‘ad ter start work in a coal mine when I woz six years old ter ’elp feed the family cos me Dad woz inside like fer murderin’ the neighbours an’ me Mum was on the gin bottle 24/7 an’ floggin’ ‘er golly. But it never did me any ‘arm. I love ‘angin’ around schools.”
Twelve-year old Danny McTwat from Smegmadale’s prestigious Asbo Central High told reporters “Yeah right, it’s bleedin’ barmy - we ‘ave to do an effin’ risk assessment before we cross the fuckin’ road ter go ter Bargain Booze or Threshers fer a few cans of Old Headbanger lager an’ a pack of fags.”
“Wot tosser thinks up these daft regulations, cos I’m not votin’ for ‘im.”
