Image parodied without consent from J. Wiley Press, you know, because they'd never give it and we have every legal right to do this... also their kind of dicks.
SOUTH OF THE BORDER, SC – A custodian cleaning the men’s restroom at Pedro’s Famous Fatty Fried Food and Please Touch Military Explosives Museum at 4:00 a.m. today found a left behind copy of the "S&P 500 CEO Training Manual for Dummies."
Discovered on the floor of the far end stall, the large print, spiral-bound picture book was hidden beneath a pile of sticky paged porno magazines, crushed beer cans, and cigar butts. Although clearly labeled “Double Top Secret,” finder Chief Custodian Rich King, being no dummy himself, opened the manual and scanned the lessons inside.
The contents of this up-and-coming CEO bible, which Mr. King shared with reporters, included such chapters as: Living With No Soul, guaranteed success after the blood pact with Satan; Federal Bailouts, John and Jane Doe owe you plenty; Firing Employees, six easy steps to painless terminations; Footwear for Executives, oversized shoes keep subordinates underfoot and under control; Mistress Maintenance, care and feeding of girlfriends in several cities without getting caught; Tax Evasion, honesty is for losers; Golden Parachutes, why $10 million isn’t enough; Cuban Cigars, light smoothest with crisp new $50s; and Fine Wine, it’s what’s for breakfast.
Said Mr. King after his discovery, “Don’t know why it’s double-top-secret. I pretty much suspected all this stuff about those cats already.” With the blessing of local authorities, King then delivered the volume to its deserving place in the vermin-infested, roach motel restaurant dumpster for safekeeping, should its rightful owner return.
