Horoscopes
Albacoreascopes
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| Eat Me! I dare you. |
It's with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can't even imagine whom she or he may be. It's with baited breath we bring you the Albacoreascopes, horoscopes tailored just for you, you fish, fish gobblin' or fish huntin' fool.
Aug 11, 2006, 01:23
Dim Sum's Horoscopes, Almanac, and Planting Guide
Welcome to the astrological stylings of Dim Sum, the one astrologer that’s not afraid to say, “Who the hell knows?” Dim's horoscopes are guaranteed to fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, and the rest on an as-needed basis.
Feb 13, 2006, 00:49
Social Security Poor-a-scopes
At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we'd like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you'll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security pooroscopes.
Jun 14, 2005, 23:24
Mr. Mysterio's Horoscopes
Welcome, readers, to my humble page, where I, Mr. Mysterio, will reveal to you the secrets that were hitherto known only to me. Bah, this gift, this curse, call it what you will… I share my knowledge freely with you. May you make the most of it. The spirits are speeking loudly today, and their portents cannot be misunderstood by one with my skills. Heed my words!
Jan 16, 2005, 06:38
Pornoscopes in Jive
For all our multi-cultural readers frustrated by a lack of properly-fitting horoscopes, our own resident astrologist ZoJack has another installment of carefully tailored readings just for you, whomevery you may be... that is, of course, assuming your a jive talking adult film star.
Sep 20, 2004, 23:23
Weeping Sore-ascopes in Jive
At Glossy News, we like to pretend to value diversity almost as much as we like to pretend that horoscopes have any merit whatsoever. In that caring, nurturing way we present to our diverse reader base the Weeping Sorascopes, as translated into jive. Because we value diversity, because all we print is equally false, and because no one is reading this over the holiday weekend. Cheers.
Sep 4, 2004, 04:26
Ignoroscope Themed Horoscopes
So here's the deal, we at Glossy News totally recognize that not everyone born within the same years requires the same horoscopes, but in this instance we're just choosing not to aknowledge you guys, okay?
Apr 10, 2004, 23:26
Horrorscopes
While we recognize that the stars have much in store for our readers, we also aknowledge what a pile o' crap it is to think that the month of your birth alone can dictate who you are. You know who you are, and here's to you, ya big psycho!
Apr 3, 2004, 07:15
Horoscopes for Pot Farmers; the Weed Grower-A-Scopes
As a diverse, compassionate and latent metrosexual paper, Glossy News recognizes that not all persons born in the same month require the same horoscope, which is why ZoJack has forecast them all seperately for YOU, whomever you may be... dude...
Mar 20, 2004, 05:21
Stethoscopes; the Medical Horoscopes
Glossy News recognizes that not all persons born into a specific, narrow window of time need all the same collective advice. As such, we've had them written just for YOU, whomever you may be.
Mar 6, 2004, 07:10
Days of Yoroscopes... (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... even if you are a crotchety old bugger.
Dec 27, 2003, 07:31
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