Top Stories
American Soldier Doll Beheaded in Iraq
Newsrooms all across America began today buzzing with activity after the reception of a short video clip by an anonymous Middle Eastern source. A mere three seconds in length, the clip shows what appears to be a pair of scissors moving towards the head of an American Soldier Doll recently reported missing from his unit “The Cobra Commandos” just days ago in Iraq. American forces in Iraq are currently on high alert in frantic search of more video footage, an over-turned Armored Command Unit complete with auto-loading Sidewinder Missiles, or other accessories associated with the doll.
Mar 12, 2008, 13:46
Solving Global Warming Requires Effort of Mythological Proportion - Literally
"What we are seeking to do is to pull out some stuff from mythology that we know has had an impact on the weather," said Smythe-B. "One of those we are particularly keen on is Pecos Bill."
Mar 3, 2008, 04:37
Glossy News Endorses Barack Obama for 2008 Presidential Candidacy
Glossy News has long been a political commentary outlet, and has never endorsed a candidate. For this tumultuous season, however, we wish to put forth a tad smidge of interesting assertion, and that is that we will now, for the first time ever, endorse a single candidate officially. That candidate for the presidency of the United States of America is Barack Obama, whose middle name is "Osama", which we only point out as a commentary on the inanity of tabloid webzines like E Online and the lackluster like.
Feb 9, 2008, 02:19
Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course
Mere minutes into Air Force One's flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to "Continue your southerly heading." The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, "If we change course now, the terrorists win."
Dec 30, 2007, 19:39
World Scheduled for Possible Termination Next Tuesday
If the Apocalypse does indeed occur next week, theorizes Mr. Davis, it will either be in the form of a giant meteor – such as the one responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs – or will manifest itself as the mass spontaneous combustion of all life on Earth.
Dec 30, 2007, 10:08
Iranian leader: Santa Claus a 'Myth'
Tehran, Iran -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims Santa Claus is "a myth" and suggested that the North Pole be moved to Europe, Canada or the United States, specifically, Alaska. The United States, Israel and the European Commission, along with individual European countries, have condemned the remark.
Dec 22, 2007, 15:34
Interviewer Won't Return Calls, "Probably a Dick"
Jeffrey Abrams was personally recommended to bank manager Keith Ingram by an employee and mutual friend. Kay Kwan set up the application and first interview with the Seattle branch manager, which went well, but "That cocksmoker won't call me back" says Abrams.
Dec 13, 2007, 05:22
N. Korean Nuke Testing "Big Misunderstanding"
"What appears to be an aggressive use of test missiles," said the Release. "Is merely an act of outreach on the part of North Korea, mainly to its western Pacific neighbors, especially Japan." While many countries, including the USA, have deplored North Korea's actions as a deliberate attempt to destabilize the region and anger the world, North Korea calls its actions 'humanitarian' in the extreme.
Dec 11, 2007, 10:15
Cops Love Corruption: Sgt. Drew Peterson Free Despite Two Murders
When Drew Peterson's third wife died amid highly suspicious circumstances, the flawless machine that is our American criminal justice system stepped back and presumed more innocence than the woman's family or very soon to be teenaged fourth wife could. But when wife Mach-IV went missing, they knew their tracks were too evident to obscure.
Dec 8, 2007, 05:20
"I am a Heterosexual," Merlin Declares
"I am a heterosexual," the Arthurian wizard Merlin declared recently in a press conference. While Merlin maintains that his sudden sexuality-affirming statement has nothing to do with any other wizard (or their sexuality), wizarding experts argue otherwise.
Dec 5, 2007, 03:18
Best Meal of Buffet Life Not Ruined by Anorexic Date
On a recent trip to an Altanta Brazilian Steakhouse in the barely-suburbs of Atlanta, Ted M., a man whose last name is as short as his appetite is long, had the uncommon opportunity to do two new things for the first time in his life. He got to date a bonafide Playgirl, and he got to dine in an authentic Brazilian Steakhouse…
Nov 24, 2007, 15:49
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