Sports
WNHL Combines Canada's Two Greatest Exports
Perhaps you've heard of Canada, it's the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation "not having a reputation," marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not.
Apr 24, 2008, 17:59
Billy Donovan Swaps Italian Suits for Overalls, Bare Feet
Dapper Gators coach Billy Donovan is now sporting a very new look that will soon be made public. The reason? The Florida Redneck White Trash Association (FRWTA), a little known but powerful organization based out of a rundown shack in central Florida, decided they did not like Donovan’s pinstriped corporate executive style and that a change was overdue.
Jan 8, 2007, 09:45
Bin Laden Vows Never to Watch Winter Olympics Again
CAIRO, Egypt – Osama bin Laden vowed to never watch the Winter Olympics again and said that ‘American Idol’ was far more enjoyable in an audiotape released by Al-Jazeera today.
In the tape aired on the Arabic news channel, bin Laden chastised the quadrennial Winter games being held in Turin, Italy, but also praised the ‘American Idol’ franchise for its entertainment value.
Aug 16, 2006, 03:27
Entire US Snowboard Team Admits To Smoking Weed
Turin, Italy - A spokesperson for the United States Olympic Men’s Snowboarding Team confirmed today that almost every single member of the US snowboarding team regularly smokes weed.
While this admission did not appear to be breaking news to many of the viewers of the Olympic snowboard competition, it marked the first time in Olympic history that an entire team has openly admitted to smoking weed.
Aug 12, 2006, 23:09
Dear Mr. Bonds, Give Us the Asterisk
At age 40 Barry Bonds is almost assured to break the record 755 career home runs, but this is an open letter from a true baseball fan to a true legend. One who's record will require an asterisk, whether it ever gets one or not.
(This article originally ran September 13, 2004, but we at
Glossy News felt justified in bringing it forth from our archives due to the recent allegations brought to light as "Breaking News" worldwide -- Okay, truth... we just want to say, "told you so.")
Mar 8, 2006, 20:06
NAACP Resents NCAA Confusion
In a public statement issued Thursday the Washington DC chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People formally renounced any mistaken identity associated with the National College Athletics Association, despite their many similarities.
May 27, 2005, 17:00
Hot Soccer Uniforms Promise U.S. Interest in Tepid Sport
Soccer, long considered the game of little girls and college athletes who can't get scholarships for a "real sport" makes a lobby once more to break into the American market. This time it's not aimed at corporate ownership or potential network affiliates, but rather straight to the fans. The STRAIGHT male fans, to be quite specific.
Apr 16, 2005, 11:00
Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury
After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry "Shut the F Up" Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury. Barry Bonds, the one player on pace to break the Major League Baseball all-time homerun record, has hammered his way to fame in past years on a pace akin to the swelling of his head, both literally and egotistically.
Apr 9, 2005, 19:15
Ice Skater Mistimes Jump, Shoves Skate Up Ass
Sixteen-year-old Deborah Wilson is recovering in St. John’s Hospital today after suffering an ice skating injury that left her with an ice skate hanging out of her ass. Halfway through her two-minute performance, Ms. Wilson attempted a triple axel, but mistimed the landing, bending her leg in a horrific manner than ended up shoving her right ice skate right up her firm little ass.
Mar 4, 2005, 09:26
Weis, Crennel Depart for Greener Pastures, Money
“Please, give me a single reason why on God’s green Earth I should want to stay here as offensive coordinator for the greatest team in the National Football League when I can move down to the college level and take over as head coach of the heavily faltering Notre Dame Fighting Irish,” said ex-New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis yesterday. “No, seriously, why would I want to stick with a winning team when I can jump ship to captain a team that sucks like a two dollar whore at Mardi Gras?”
Feb 9, 2005, 14:04
Terrell Owens: Faith Healer
“Yea, verily, come upon me and heal my busted-ass ankle!” yelled out Terrell Owens at a Philadelphia Methodist church. “Walk beside me and heal my bones knit together my tendons like only You can, Lord!” Owens, the Philadelphia Eagles’ standout wide-receiver, suffered a severe ankle sprain and broken leg during a December 19th game. Since having two screws and a metal plate inserted into his leg, Owens has turned to faith-healing to get mended before the commencement of the Super Bowl.
Feb 1, 2005, 14:02
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