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Last Updated: Sep 17th, 2009 - 22:50:02

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Sports

Fiji Will Not Be Able to Compete in Tournament No One Watches

Following the announcement from the mentally unhinged military dictator, Frank Bainimarama, that there would not be democratic elections anytime soon, Fiji have been dealt an (apparently) harsh political blow by being suspended from the Commonwealth. The population of Fiji are said to be distraught as they will not be able to attend the next Commonwealth games, this despite the fact that no one knows where it will be held or where or even when the last one took place.
Sep 12, 2009, 03:11

Germans Upset Whole of Known Universe... Again

An anthem sung by fans of the German football club FC Dumkopf Schittes 04 has drawn protests from soccer-hating Muslims around the world because of its negative reference to the Prophet Muhammad. The Wesphalia Gelsenkirchen-based club, which plays in Germany's top league, the Bundeskunts, has now hired the services of a team of Islamic cultural consultants from the Tel Aviv-based ‘Islamophobia PR Inc’. to research and evaluate whether the song might – or might not - be insulting to Muslims.
Aug 16, 2009, 10:48

Pedophobia Sparks Total Grown-up Ban at Sports Day

Outraged parents were banned from attending their children's annual school sports day to protect pupils from potential child abductors and paedophiles. More than 270 male and female pupils from four primary schools in Smegmashire took part in the St. Sodoms Sports Partnership Athletics Day.
Jul 14, 2009, 04:36

War Criminals Pack Wimbledon Stands

The Centre Court at Wimbledon last Sunday saw a plethora of famous faces and porcine celebrity past-its packed into the stands to watch the men's singles final between Roger Federer of Cuckoo Clock Land and Andy Roddick of the good ole’ US of A. While Gorbals-bred Man’ United boss Alex “See you Jimmy” Ferguson was happy to suffer bare-headed third degree sunburn...
Jul 12, 2009, 15:50

White Supremacist Nutter Targeted Wimbledon

The sacred Isle of Rockall is today reeling in shock and awe at breaking news of a Special Branch investigation of local man Fingal McTwat, arrested on charges related to terrorist activities. McTwat had been traveling from Rockall to Liverpool on the daily car ferry, where he got drunk in the saloon bar and urinated down the leg of Pandit Jaffacake, a Pakistani waiter, while uttering several racist insults concerning Mr. Jaffacake’s mother.
Jul 7, 2009, 00:51

Transvestite Soccer Nuns Hot, Deported

The shit-for-brains transvestite British members of a Smegmashire football club, who were arrested while dressed and posing as nuns in Crete, are back in the UK. The men said they were – embarrassment besides - relieved to be home after arriving at Smegmadale Sands International Airport under the cover of darkness.
May 31, 2009, 12:34

Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition

A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman's record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since ‘coming out’ and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 – several years older than George Foreman was for his heavyweight belt.
May 12, 2009, 16:20

Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks

Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world – and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall. A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February this year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran.
May 9, 2009, 05:42

3rd Rate Hatton Floored by 3rd World Thumping

The UK’s skinny white hope Ricky Hatton suffered a devastating second-round defeat in his IBO light-welterweight world title bout against Filipino Manny ‘The Maneater’ Pacquiao in Las Vegas last night. Hatton, 30, was knocked down by a flashing head butt in the first round then floored again by a knee in the bollocks shortly before the bell.
May 6, 2009, 01:06

Cornish Pensioner Wins Formula One Race

An 87-year-old Cornish woman visiting her daughter in Kent set new speed records when her mobility scooter shot off out of control yesterday after she and husband Morton had enjoyed a light liquid lunch at the local Limping Lobster public house. Gladys, who was visiting family in Swanley, told a reporter from the Geriatrics Extreme Sports Review that she had only downed around twelve pints of draught Guinness...
Apr 19, 2009, 12:48

EA Sports: Terrier to Appear on Cover of "Vick '09"

REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
Feb 9, 2009, 01:37

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