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Last Updated: May 31st, 2009 - 22:27:54

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Sports

Transvestite Soccer Nuns Hot, Deported

The shit-for-brains transvestite British members of a Smegmashire football club, who were arrested while dressed and posing as nuns in Crete, are back in the UK. The men said they were – embarrassment besides - relieved to be home after arriving at Smegmadale Sands International Airport under the cover of darkness.
May 31, 2009, 12:34

Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition

A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman's record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since ‘coming out’ and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 – several years older than George Foreman was for his heavyweight belt.
May 12, 2009, 16:20

Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks

Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world – and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall. A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February this year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran.
May 9, 2009, 05:42

3rd Rate Hatton Floored by 3rd World Thumping

The UK’s skinny white hope Ricky Hatton suffered a devastating second-round defeat in his IBO light-welterweight world title bout against Filipino Manny ‘The Maneater’ Pacquiao in Las Vegas last night. Hatton, 30, was knocked down by a flashing head butt in the first round then floored again by a knee in the bollocks shortly before the bell.
May 6, 2009, 01:06

Cornish Pensioner Wins Formula One Race

An 87-year-old Cornish woman visiting her daughter in Kent set new speed records when her mobility scooter shot off out of control yesterday after she and husband Morton had enjoyed a light liquid lunch at the local Limping Lobster public house. Gladys, who was visiting family in Swanley, told a reporter from the Geriatrics Extreme Sports Review that she had only downed around twelve pints of draught Guinness...
Apr 19, 2009, 12:48

EA Sports: Terrier to Appear on Cover of "Vick '09"

REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
Feb 9, 2009, 01:37

WNHL Combines Canada's Two Greatest Exports

Perhaps you've heard of Canada, it's the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation "not having a reputation," marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not.
Apr 24, 2008, 17:59

Billy Donovan Swaps Italian Suits for Overalls, Bare Feet

Dapper Gators coach Billy Donovan is now sporting a very new look that will soon be made public. The reason? The Florida Redneck White Trash Association (FRWTA), a little known but powerful organization based out of a rundown shack in central Florida, decided they did not like Donovan’s pinstriped corporate executive style and that a change was overdue.
Jan 8, 2007, 09:45

Bin Laden Vows Never to Watch Winter Olympics Again

CAIRO, Egypt – Osama bin Laden vowed to never watch the Winter Olympics again and said that ‘American Idol’ was far more enjoyable in an audiotape released by Al-Jazeera today.

In the tape aired on the Arabic news channel, bin Laden chastised the quadrennial Winter games being held in Turin, Italy, but also praised the ‘American Idol’ franchise for its entertainment value.
Aug 16, 2006, 03:27

Entire US Snowboard Team Admits To Smoking Weed

Turin, Italy - A spokesperson for the United States Olympic Men’s Snowboarding Team confirmed today that almost every single member of the US snowboarding team regularly smokes weed.

While this admission did not appear to be breaking news to many of the viewers of the Olympic snowboard competition, it marked the first time in Olympic history that an entire team has openly admitted to smoking weed.
Aug 12, 2006, 23:09

Dear Mr. Bonds, Give Us the Asterisk

At age 40 Barry Bonds is almost assured to break the record 755 career home runs, but this is an open letter from a true baseball fan to a true legend. One who's record will require an asterisk, whether it ever gets one or not.

(This article originally ran September 13, 2004, but we at
Glossy News felt justified in bringing it forth from our archives due to the recent allegations brought to light as "Breaking News" worldwide -- Okay, truth... we just want to say, "told you so.")
Mar 8, 2006, 20:06

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