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Last Updated: Jul 4th, 2009 - 08:24:14

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Welfare Scammer a Dead Ringer for Deceased Mother

A New York man has been arrested for impersonating his dead mother in order to claim $415,000 in social security benefits and rent subsidies – and get a regular endorphin-boosting transgender experience high.

Seymour Slimeberg, 49, is accused by prosecutors of regularly dressing up in a wig, two-piece and pearls, and make-up in order to ‘look like Mummy’ and fool the authorities.
Jul 4, 2009, 05:53

Safety Rules Saves Lives, Ruins Childhoods

UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children.

Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre guidelines to stop schools being sued in the event of an accident – or a pupil going postal with an assault rifle over poor exam results.
Jul 3, 2009, 07:42

Study Finds Red Necks, Trailer Trash, Criminals And Sex Offenders Live In Trailer Parks

If she seems hot to you, don't be misled, that's likely the scorch of the herpes talking.

Washington DC - The Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year, multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study, outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders.

The report published last month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red necks. While the report does not indicate how this came to be, it verified that, on average, seventy-five percent of residents in most trailer parks were poor white people known as red necks.
Jul 3, 2009, 04:23

Webster to Redefine "Unemployed", "Lazy" to Remain Unchanged

Remarkably, the word "gullible" still does not appear in any published lexicon.

Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits.

When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for Part-Time Jobs, claimed it was due the collapse of the fishing industry and the fact that idiotic EU-imposed catch quotas had been further reduced to four crates of cod or half a dozen dogfish per week.
Jul 2, 2009, 17:03

Trust Me, I'm a Pilot: Que?

Buckle up and get ready to fly the friendly skies.

Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast.

A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain"s Mallorca Palma Airport.

Passengers were asked to move seats to the rear of the faulty aircraft to re-distribute the weight so the plane sat level and not nose down, but seventy-odd terrified tourists left the potential flying coffin, fearing for their safety after a couple of bodgers from the airport"s Shit-Fit workshop failed to repair the damaged cargo hatch door with a crowbar and sledge hammer.
Jul 2, 2009, 03:41

Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction

An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall.

Jul 1, 2009, 14:58

Iran Arrests UK's "Baker's Dozen" Agents Provocateur

The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

Jun 30, 2009, 02:32

BBC Now Covering Non-News & Mass Distraction, aka Human Interest

The BBC ‘Front Page’ news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) – the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age.

Jun 30, 2009, 00:13

Speaker Election Turns into Monkey-Style Poo-Fling Extravaganza

The race to become the most powerful House of Commons Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate. Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.
Jun 29, 2009, 09:18

Cops Steal Millions, Decide Not to Arrest

More than 300 of the UK’s elite Scotland Yard ‘Plod Squad’ are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards – presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP’s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker. Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism...
Jun 29, 2009, 02:20

Prince Charles: Mongrel AND Wastrel?

British taxpayers involuntarily funded the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle of the bat-eared Prince of Wales to the tune of £30 million last year - an annual rise of almost 25% in the midst of a global recession, according to Clarence House accounts. The main cost was a 48% rise in official travel by air and rail, which increased to £10:75 million.
Jun 28, 2009, 03:09

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