Technnologizzy
Welcome to the EU's New Dark Ages
Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety - by which you can’t see to read – or write - brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat. According to the latest 1,286,498 page paper report from the Brussels’ based Energy Saving Trust, which is estimated to cause the devastation of...
Sep 16, 2009, 04:20
Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains
A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were "significant gaps in our scientific knowledge" – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state...
Sep 16, 2009, 00:28
Passenger Fixes Faulty Airliner
Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Passengers on the Thomas Cook flight TCX666 from Menorca were told to expect an eight-hour wait while an engineer was flown out from a Kwik-Fit service centre in the UK.
Sep 15, 2009, 15:46
iPhone Explodes in Ossetia – Millions Feared Dead
French consumer groups are investigating a disturbing bout of recent reports concerning iPhone 3GS models that have exploded or burst into flames spontaneously. A 96-year old Granny, Madame Hilda La Kunte, from the Paris suburbs, suffered third degree burns and shrapnel trauma when her iPhone exploded while she was answering one of her regular ‘121 Adult Chat’ phone sex calls, according to the current issue of Le Merde magazine.
Sep 9, 2009, 02:53
Artificial Trees to Combat Global Warming
According to a survey conducted by the Institute for Advanced Guessology - and just leaked to the Daily Shitraker via skeptical IAG career snitches – their resident barmy boffins and anoraks claim a forest of 100,000,000 "artificial trees" could be deployed within 10 years to help soak up the world's carbon emissions and mega-tonnes of atmospheric toxic shite and industrial pollutants created by leading environmental vandals in India and China.
Sep 6, 2009, 14:21
Scandle-Mandelson Targets Internet Piracy... Badly
Reliable tittle-tattle and rumour-based gossip circulating around the hallowed corridors of Shitehall in susurrant and conspiratorial whispers reports that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s omnipotent Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson is preparing to declare war on teenagers – and anyone else and their dog – guilty of downloading music, games and movies from the internet - just days after dining with American faggot music billionaire Mervyn Gobbler.
Sep 4, 2009, 03:49
Beer Cans, Cigarettes In Space, Attributed To Astronauts
Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska - Scientists employed by the U.S. Strategic Command have recently observed an increase in the amount of space debris that they are charged with tracking. Beer cans and cigarette butts now can be added to the catalog of over 10,000 items observed to be in orbit around the earth. The source of this space litter has been identified as NASA space shuttle astronauts unwinding in between space walks and other assignments.
Sep 2, 2009, 04:44
Robo-Love for Sale by Christmas, Robots Indifferent
It might just sound more like bullshit than perceived reality – or some Japanese techie’s sci-fi’ BD/SM fetish fantasy, but robot hookers and robot sex are set to be an intregal part of the future for men who can’t pull pussy – or those discerning libidinous gourmets who get fed up with the same old hole and “Have yer finished yet?” statements. Japanese boffins introduced their new top model today - she stands 5 feet tall, weighs 95 pounds...
Aug 30, 2009, 06:26
New Scots Ale Brew Bought by NASA
Premier Scottish brewery SpewDog, owned by the McTwat clan, has been branded "irresponsible" by child minder groups and Mothercare after launching what it said was the strongest beer in the known Universe. With an 18.2% abv (alcohol by volume) content, a 330ml bottle of ‘See You Jimmy’ lager, concocted by highland brewery SpewDog, contained sixteen units of alcohol – five times the recommended daily limit for elephants and more than NASA use to fuel their Space Shuttle booster rocket packs.
Aug 19, 2009, 11:50
Google To Join Forces With NSA
Spokane, Washington - Google announced today that it is joining forces with the National Security Agency (NSA) in an initiative to better track each and every person in the United States. Google describes this new service, yet to be named, as an exciting opportunity to move into a new market and at the same time offer it's vast resources to the government in an opportunity to enhance national security.
Aug 13, 2009, 00:26
Google Introduces Contextual Dating Service
Google, the Mountain View search behemoth, is rolling out its new relationship navigation software. Said one Beta tester; “In the first week after meeting Tiffany, I didn’t know whether I should be ringing her every day, hanging around her doorway in camouflage gear with a bottle of chloroform, or playing hard to get. I’d just bring up Google-lurve and the answer would be right in front of me.”
Jul 27, 2009, 07:36
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