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Last Updated: Sep 17th, 2009 - 22:50:02

In the news...

Health

Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. According to a secret report left in the carriage of a London underground tube train on the Bakerloo line and sold on to the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette for thirty pieces of silver, zillions of pounds of...
Sep 18, 2009, 00:12

NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% - from doctors to drudges - encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthanasia to make ends meet. The planned workforce cuts on the already-ailing public health service were intended to close a massive Treasury budget gap...
Sep 16, 2009, 02:29

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Rupert Fuctifino, the gourmet columnist from the Chew & Spew Gazette, did a blind taste test to determine the quality of food offered to prisoners and NHS patients and concluded....
Sep 13, 2009, 07:16

Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush - New Labour's Minister for Orwellian Studies - to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Tens of thousands of overweight children – some porky slobs as young as four – will be shipped off to Fat Camp, under a Government scheme to tackle obesity.
Sep 12, 2009, 00:39

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment - three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Morton Fuctifino’s daughter e-mailed both the National Patient Safety Agency and the NHS following the death of her 96-year-old father at Smegmadale’s prestigious Veterinarian’s Trust Hospital.
Sep 10, 2009, 01:23

Fluedo: The Sneezy Pig Flu Board Game

In what critics are terming the most stupid idea to be announced since their last stupid idea was announced, the Ministry of Scaremongering, in conjunction with the NHS, have had a team of monkeys working around the clock to come up with a corporate teaching strategy to educate managers and staff on the possible ramifications of the Oinkyitis swine flu pandemic devastating their entire workforces.
Sep 5, 2009, 02:22

Pills Force Man To Think Only About Sex, Man Sues

Stonecastle, Ohio - Saying that he became a slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the drug. "These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my thoughts" said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. "As I have got older, my wife is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave me this prescription for Viagra 100mg.
Aug 25, 2009, 14:12

Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel

Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu. “For those who do not know it, swine means pig, and any contact with pigs is outlawed, period,” claimed Amah Fahn Atek, chief Rabbi and Secretary of Health.
Aug 21, 2009, 10:36

Nonsense Food Issues Dominate World Media

In a desperate bid to broadcast or publish any old shit to keep the British public distracted from the fact that ‘The End is Nigh’ and Western ciivilisation as we know it is about to go tits up in a Busby Berkeley extravaganza fashion, media sources have resorted to reporting on such asinine Earth-shattering news concerning the renaming of a curry and the sexual innuendo involved in advertising sausages.
Aug 19, 2009, 14:21

Bad Times for Sneezy Pigs in Egypt

For the last sixty-three years, since leaving school at the age of eight with a First Class Diploma in Advanced Truancy, Achmed Bogbrush has eked out a meagre living recycling Cairo's waste as a chartered member of the elite Coptic Christian ‘Zabaleen’ (Arabic for garbage collectors). Each morning he scurries around the super-slum Gamal Nasser Memorial Landfill Park...
Aug 15, 2009, 07:34

Obama Trims Insurers Budgets, "Cut Humanitarian Work"

HARTFORD – In a move that shocked Republicans and threatened to alienate hopelessly timid Progressives, President Obama announced today that under pressure from his administration, insurance companies have agreed to end all humanitarian work and concentrate on their core mission of delivering insurance coverage to sick policyholders.
Aug 13, 2009, 07:45

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