In news celebrated by medical practitioners across the nation but likely to be found disturbing to the country's legion of celebrity weight-loss gurus, it has been announced that Corporate Web Designer Mark Rutherford has lost 27 pounds over 12 months by simply cutting his calorie consumption and increasing his daily exercise routine. Mr. Rutherford decided to follow this unorthodox diet after ballooning from 180 pounds to 229 pounds within just 9 months of graduating from college and adopting the sedentary work schedule of the corporate environment.
Yup, that's me before (ugh!) and after.
"When I was in school, I couldn't afford a car, so I walked everywhere, to class, to the supermarket, even to the bar. But after landing this job I bought a brand new car and I practically stopped walking altogether. Pretty soon, I stopped liking what I saw in the mirror. So I just kind of put two and two together and came up with this weird diet. Whenever I can, I walk instead of drive. I climb the stairs in my building instead of taking the elevator. My friends all thought I was nuts at first. But just look at me now! Only 22 pounds more to go before I am back to my college weight. How many people in America can say the same for themselves?"
Doctor Roy Hobbes, Director of Dietary Medicine at The John Hopkins University Medical Center, was stunned by the announcement, "We have always told our clients that in order to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you consume. But I don't think anyone really believed it was possible. In fact, as a medical theory, it is very difficult to test. You can't really tie people to treadmills and deny them their daily supply of donuts."
Dr. Larry Fields of the UCLA Medical Center was more circumspect, "How do we know that Mr. Rutherford only followed these overly simplistic dietary rules? Do we really know that he didn't dabble in Atkins along the way, or drop a fortune at his neighborhood Weight Watcher's? A great deal of research needs to be done before any medically relevant facts can be determined from Mr. Rutherford's unique and surprising situation. Consequently, I have requested a grant from the National Science Foundation in the amount of 270 million dollars to examine the effects of caloric consumption and exercise on weight."
Mr. Rutherford is just glad that this method works for him. "I know that different people are built differently. Who really knows for sure whether burning more calories than you take-in won't actually cause some people to gain weight, rather than lose it. I would hate to start encouraging people across the country to start walking to work and climbing stairs, and then see them ballooning up faster than ever."
Jared Fogle, weight loss guru, who else has been able to turn his loss into a financial win?
He concluded his remarks with the following warning: "Besides, before making any drastic changes, it's probably best to talk to your doctor or to your favorite celebrity (even if only by renting their video). I didn't, but what kind of example am I? I ain't Jared Fogle after all."
