Bush announces from a cottage in Alaska his victory on the War on Environment.
Washington D.C. - Former President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the "spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished" for his administration, in his words. His announcement was made at the National Weather Center, a little-known government basement office hidden back behind Hoover's FBI building.
The former president backed up his remarks by pointing to a series of current and recent past weather charts from November ‘07 – February ‘08 as his first examples.
"These charts," the former president contended, "show a marked cooling in average daily temperatures when compared to charts for the previous May ‘07 – August ‘07 period." Drawing particular attention to the month of February ‘08, President Bush noted that "much of the country was blanketed by snow for that month. While in August ‘07, a mere 6 months earlier, the same parts of the country were registering tempertures easily 60°, 70°, even 80° warmer." He continued, "this is proof-positive that we have conquered this pesky global warming thing. A definite cooling down here."
"I knew that this would happen eventually," he said as he visibly warmed to his topic, "we have now defeated those scare-mongers who would have us believing that the world is in danger. We have the proof that our environment is not in danger after all."
The president then asked for questions and Helen Thomas, speaking from the back row asked, "Why aren't you scientifically comparing same-month temperatures such as February with February and so on over a period of years to set the true monthly averages? Not February with August in the same 6 month cycle."
"OK, OK, OK Helen, you have a point there," the president testily began, then quickly softened. "But please bear with me a little. My way of thinking here is to show that the averages of November thru February are remarkably lower than the averages of May thru August. You have to admit that's true, Helen...don't cha?"
Stifling her total disbelief in this rare, faulty logic, she managed to nod to the president who smiled warmly at her good choice. "Good girl, I knew you'd see it my way. Why don't you bring your chair up here in the front row now, where you belong. Sam, you don't mind I am sure. Now, are there any more questions?"
"Well, there is the fact, Mr President," began Sam Donaldson, the other press person at the conference, "that the Arctic Ocean is showing signs of being much warmer these days. To the point of not really freezing over, if I have my story straight, sir."
"Is there a question in there somewhere, Sam? I don't see one here." parried the president.
"Yes sir, there certainly is. If you have so successfully ended global warming, then why is the Arctic Ocean not frozen solid as it has been since the beginning of time, until just recently?"
"Ah, Sam" began the president, "it's just like you to nitpick on the little anomolies that anyone can find with that Google machine people are talking about lately. Did you just type in your word and get everything that's written about it? Is that what you did there, Sam?"
"No sir, I just read this press item that was released from right here at the National Weather Center today. The one about the non-frozen Arctic Ocean. Don't they send these to you up there in the White House? You can have my copy." asked Mr. Donaldson.
"He-he-he, good one Sam. That's a good one. I guess I may have skimmed over that one when it came by me. I don't much get up there to the Arctic these days, ya know. No point really, since there's no drilling going on yet. Kinda busy with the mideast matters down here stateside. Well, if there's no more questions from you two, then I guess I can call it a day. Thanks for time outa your busy day and coming by here.
"Either of you need a parking coupon?
"Hey, Sam, missed you and the kids at the egg roll the other day."
Former President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the "spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished" for his administration, in his words. President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the "spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished" for his administration, in his words.
