"I... can't... pronounce... that name... begin bombing!"
In a toddler-like fit if ire today, President George W. Bush declared war on our one-time ally, Poland, citing, “Those names are just too damn difficult to pronounce.” Admittedly, Polish names are unusual in their pronunciation (at least when compared to an English speaker), but this journalist wonders if that was really a justification for war, or a cheap trick to fool the American people.
Bush has long coveted the Polish salt mines for his own personal use, including the Wieliczka underground salt palace, where an entire city has been carved out of the living salt. Further, he hopes to begin drilling for oil in the salt rich areas, as salt traps are common places for petroleum to accumulate.
Speaking from the Oval Office, Bush said, “Those names are just too damn difficult to pronounce. They’re not fooling anyone. They’re doing it just to [expletive deleted] with those of us who don’t speak Polishian. I myself am tired of having to figure out how to pronounce President Aleksander Kwasniewski’s name, or how to say ‘hello’ to Minister of Agriculture Wojciech Olejniczak. I mean, what the hell? Those don’t even look like real words to me. How the hell do you pronounce the Minister of National Defense’s name? Jerzy Szmajdzinski? Really, that looks like a Scrabble board threw up, doesn’t it?”
Other surnames that offended the President included Nauczyciel, Pieniazek, Szynkarz, Uczciwy, and Kowalewicz. This reporter’s name was also included: Blazejewski. Said the President, “Okay, it looks like it’s pronounced ‘blaze-JEW-ski,’ right? But it’s actually pronounced ‘bwah-ZHE-ski,’ okay? Where the hell did that come from? I hate this stupid nation! It’s time to bomb, baby!” With a giddy-up and a yee-haw, the President gave the orders to mobilize the troops.
A B-52 flying out of Whitman Air Force Base unloads its deadly cargo over Warsaw.
Following much the same route as that taken by the Germans in 1939, the Americans invaded Poland from the west, blitzkrieging their way toward Warsaw. By mid-afternoon, the city was surrounded, and by evening, B-52 and B-1 bombers, flying from bases in the United States, had reduced the city to rubble. Gdansk, Lodz, and Krakow soon followed, with Poznan and Wroclaw holding out until the next morning before they too were obliterated. The Polish air force was quickly swept from the skies, and there were reports of Polish troops pushing tanks into battle.
The United Nations quickly condemned Bush’s act of open hostility and declared America a “rogue nation.” The United States quickly countered by pointing out that the U.N. building is on our soil, so if they wanted to continue to meet there, they’d better take it back. They did.
At this hour, the President is in flight aboard Air Force One on his way to give a victory speech to the troops in what remains of Warsaw, and to issue a proclamation making Poland the 51st state. He plans to install, “someone named Smith” as interim governor until proper elections can be held, in which the winner will be someone named either “Smith,” “Jones,” or “any color” (e.g. White, Brown).
