The Wiggly Chewing Gum Company announced today that popstar Britney Spears has agreed to become the celebrity blowperson for its new line of bubble-gum condoms called Britney Booblegum Condoms.
"Britney Booble Gum" -- Bazooka Joe never blew like this.
Offered in Britney Spearsmint, Sinnamon, Big, Long Banana and Kinda Salty, the products are packaged to look like ordinary prophylactics, but users will be invited by Ms. Spears to “double your pleasure, double your fun” by using them as bubble gum as well. Wiggly’s innovative “blow ‘n go” chewing gum technology will enable users to create bubble-gum condoms from by blowing the right size bubble and affixing it where necessary.
In Wiggly’s ad campaign, Ms. Spears will talk about the benefits of using a product that not only contributes to safe sex, but that is also recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists for patients who have sex. She will also demonstrate how to blow bubbles of varying sizes, ranging from “What's Tha Gonna Be When It Gows Up” to “You're Gonna Need Another Pack of Gum”. She'll also show blowers proper lip and tongue techniques for smooth, ribbed or textured bubbles, and extra-capacity reservoir tips.
Yessss....make it bigger...blow it....bigger...make it pop.
Wiggly CEO William C. Wiggly III told reporters he anticipates the gum & condom combo will be a huge success. “Originally, we tried to market condom flavored bubble gum, but I guess condoms don't taste very good. Then we started thinking bubbles...blow a bubble...blow...Britney! Britney, Britney-boobs, Britney Booble-gum! Just think of the internet revenues alone! Anyone who can’t make a fortune on the internet marketing something that can be found by searching for “Britney,” “boobs,” and “blow” ought to get out of the business altogether.”
Religious conservatives immediately condemned the new product as immoral. The Rev. Pat Robertson complained that “Every time you see someone chewing gum, you’ll know they've either had sex, are going to have sex, or are thinking about having sex.” When told that the same would likely be true of thousands not chewing gum, Robertson replied, “Yes, but if the sinner doesn’t have Britney Booblegum Condoms handy, he or she will likely die a terrible death from a sexually transmitted disease. That's God's will, so we don’t have a problem with that.”
When informed of Rev. Robertson’s remarks, Ms. Spears wrinkled her nose, commented “Eyuck,” and blew a lubricated size XL ribbed booble.
