Fancy hand gestures aside, many MPs claim they will defend the hundreds of billions in "housing" expenses paid to purchase, renovate, and in many cases construct ornate new mega-castles.
Conservative MPs, currently getting pilloried by a vicious tabloid gutter press this week, have reluctantly agreed to pay back their House of Conmans ‘second home’ expenses for swimming pool maintenance and other ridiculous claims after details were revealed in the Daily Shitraker and the Dodgy Expenses Gazette.
The newspaper reports, based on leaked receipts, say other Tory MPs claimed for the cost of clearing a moat of drowned peasant’s bodies, buying horse shit, mowing paddocks, treating a donkey’s fetlock injury, and disciplining rowdy commoners.
Tory leader HRH David Cameron is said to be considering disciplinary action by putting some stick about, slapping a few wrists and cutting the dolly mixture allowance.
The latest allegations come as Jarvis Scrunt, UKIP MP for Old Scrotum, has prepared a motion of no confidence in the obese and ridiculous House of Conmans Speaker, Gorbals Mick Martin, over his prejudiced stance concerning the exposure of the dodgy expense claims.
Scrunt is adamant that it’s not a matter of simply repaying the dodgy expenses but explaining why MPs felt inclined to submit iniquitous claims in the first place.
The Daily Shitraker has over the previous weeks published expenses claims made by New Labour frontbench career criminals, including those for a lawnmower, cat litter, vibrator batteries and changing Christmas tree light bulbs.
However the latest exposures relate mainly to slimy aristocrat Conservative MPs.
The Shitraker reports that Quentin Overcoat-Dorkpuller, Tory MP for Bogbrush-on-the-Wold, claimed more than £380 for horse manure for his window box.
It adds that former shadow home secretary Desmond Dunce claimed more than £2,000 on mowing and rolling his paddocks and £5,700 for a portico for his mistress’s bungalow in Smegmashire.
Meanwhile Tory MP for Knobford South, Molly Moron has issued a statement saying she will repay £22,500 used to treat galloping dry rot at a ‘pied a terre’ property in Spain belonging to a ‘friend’ – several hundred miles from her constituency.
Mr Cameron said: "I am angry about what has happened because it might threaten my chances of winning the next general election. It is out of order – exposing our abuse of taxpayers' money and I am going to deal with it - fucking newspapers!"
The Conservative leader has brought forward the shadow cabinet meeting to deal with the revelations, with a parliamentary cocktail party due to discuss them later at the Festered Ferret public house in Soho.
Asked whether any MPs should resign over their dodgy expenses, Mr Cameron said: "If there is a totally unjustifiable claim then there may be a case for action : the public pillory or perhaps tarred and feathered.”
“I think the first step is for everyone to get out there, admit they fucked up and explain why they fiddled what they did – if it was criminally motivated - or them simply being sticky-fingered greedy bastards."
Meanwhile, the Daily Shitraker claims former cabinet minister Sir Dinsdale Hogg, Tory MP for Elephant and Castle, submitted expenses for more than £200,000 to clear a moat around his ‘pied a terre’ fortress, and £45,000 in salaries for a gamekeeper and beaters.
A breakdown of Hogg’s expenses included a claim for archers to man the battlements of his castle as a ‘security detail’.
The dredging of the moat and re-stocking with man-eating pike cost £200,000 – plus a full refurbishment of the drawbridge and portcullis to anti-terrorist / Viking-proof standards.
Hogg’s charge of £6,800 on Parliamentary expenses for necessary ‘dungeon maintenance’ elicited a bout of head-shaking by fellow MPs – as did a receipt of
£1,250 for the polishing of a suit of armour and repairs to the codpiece hinge.
Veterinarian fees for medical attention to the estate’s elephants - including a severe case of trunk rot - were claimed as ‘second home’ pet expenses – amounting to £2,650.
A home delivery receipt from Toffs-Grub of Chelsea for a double order of hedgehog in aspic to Hogg Castle – which cost the taxpayer £175 – raised outbursts of hilarious laughter in the backbenches of all parties - as too did a claim of £28 for a peasant flogging stick - hand-made from genuine Borneo rattan by gentlemen’s outfitter Twatters of Saville Row.
A furious Sir Dinsdale, confronted by the press outside Parliament, shamelessly declared “What’s the fucking point of being aristocrats if you can’t take advantage of the landless tax-paying peasants anymore? It negates the entire essence and meaning of the term Robber Baron.”
