At age 40 Barry Bonds is almost assured to break the record 755 career home runs, but this is an open letter from a true baseball fan to a true legend. One who's record will require an asterisk, whether it ever gets one or not.
(This article originally ran September 13, 2004, but we at
Glossy News felt justified in bringing it forth from our archives due to the recent allegations brought to light as "Breaking News" worldwide -- Okay, truth... we just want to say, "told you so.")
One, two, three run homer and the grand salami. No two ways about it, this guy is a hall of famer. Hank Aaron's career long ball total has stood for a seeming eternity, and bloody well it should, it's an amazing record. How do you beat that? It's not easy, it requires practice, dedication, talent, steroids and an asterisk.
I recognize he's had the practice. Only a fool would deny he's got the talent, but only a total boob would deny he's also got the steroids. Even a visual Survey would lead us to that very conclusion. Look at his head, his jaw, his uncommon bulk at age 40. Give me the "late bloomer" argument if you like, but late bloomers don't get to the show until they bloom. Is he a double-bloomer? Come on, get real.
He's got 700 already and barring an unforeseeable injury, he'll easily have the record with room to spare before before he retires at the sprightly age of 42. His power and control are so formidable his earned a ridiculous 203 walks this year alone, with 2,273 over his 18 year career.
Am I the only one who can see that his head is the size of a watermelon? Has no one else noticed that he Keeps getting bigger and stronger each year? Maybe he's found the fountain of youth, and I really hope he has because that's the only way I can imagine a player having career best seasons at an age when all but the most remarkable players have been turned into base coaches. Yet he's better then ever?
So what's the noble thing to do? Well, you start by not breaking the record. Go to 725 or even up to 749 or 754, but stop there. Retire in the middle of on inning if you must, but don't challenge the record. let the real record stand. Don't give anyone a reason to debate the ranking. You're one of the greatest players ever to grace the great game, but you aren't Hank Aaron and this is a very different era.
Secondly, set the record straight. Take your oddly gargantuan Adam's apple and Swallow your pride. Take the shame that's deserved and deal with it. You're a greater hero to set a good example than to hold a record that can't be broker short of cheating.
Maguire set his record for single season dingers by causing irreversible damage to his kidneys, liver and reputation. Don't wait for a disgruntled chemist to force the asterisk to accompany your record. Baseball is a gentleman's sport. You made a mistake, but you can still be noble. Come clean, set a proper example and take your place in history.
No one will take away from you that you're a gifted player who will leave a lasting legacy on the game. You are mortal but your record will be, not super-human, but artificial. Records are meant to be broken, not circumvented. With steroid testing now mandatory, you Know that record would stand for your entire life, but it must, must, must have the asterisk and footnote it deserves.
