Blonde Dr. Bacardi Breezer, studying from her bar stool at the Dog and Bacon, has shocked the world with her theory on how booze can help men do a Shania Twain and "really feel like a woman". This has nothing to do with having the decorators in once a month or asking whether they have a big ass. Dr Breezer's controversial theory centers on two separate areas of the brain.
Oh, she's there, alright. She wants you to get drunker and tell her she's got "...really great tits. No, really".
"It's a game of two halves, or hemispheres as us doctors like to call them" she said before ordering another pint. "The right hemisphere controls expressions of emotion, but speech regulation is handled over on the left. Any loving thoughts a man is trying to express may be stuck in a tailback on the hemisphere flyover. There are lots of important nuggets of information, such as football and the jiggling of the barmaid's cleavage that are fighting to cross the divide, so romantic feelings must wait their turn."
Dr Breezer claims that a few pints of the cold stuff floods the brain, allowing emotional information to float across the divide, thus drowning the speech center with messages of devotion.
"It's particularly cruel that this stage is accompanied by a fault that removes the ability to form coherent sentences," she continued. "This results in the babbling things like, 'I love you...no really, I do,' that women wrongly interpret as drunken drivel."
"A man can be slurring, 'I love you man...no really I do' to his buds, but when the barmaid appears it quickly changes to, 'Hey man, I love those tits...no really, I do.' My theory is while love emotions need alcohol to float across the cranial divides, breast impulses can bounce across at will. Men actually show admirable restraint when they're out in public, as their brain is bombarded with bouncing breast messages whenever a heaving cleavage pops into view."
Dr Breezer urged women to praise the commitment of their partner every time he manages to complete a sentence that does not contain a single reference to breasts when there are a tasty pair of wobblers in the vicinity. She was last seen looking for a woman to accompany her to the toilet.
