"Oh my, grandfather, what a big head you have!" What's it all the better to do?
"Five dollar bill can barely hold an Abe head!" Unemployment has climbed steadily over the last 18 months and stock values have tumbled. United States Federal Reserve spokespeople claim inflation is "in check" but real people on the streets are seeing a different picture... pun intended.
Between 1990 and 1998 US Bill-Heads skyrocketed by over 40% and analysts were concerned but mostly kept these concerns to themselves. After this latest escalation, skeptics are hard to silence.
Greg Rogersworth, chief monetary analyst at RBC Dain Rauscher, appeared on Good Morning America just days after the announcement. "Based on my visual and tape measurer analysis of the heads we are seeing inflation of almost 40% on the smaller bills and about 200% on the hundred. We're not backed by silver anymore, we're backed by bill-heads. If you can't even fit Benjamin Franklin on your hundy [hundred dollar bill] you have to wonder what it's really worth. Smaller heads, bigger bills or diversify your holdings, it's really that simple."
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan sought to quell concerns yesterday by announcing plans to print oversized bills akin to oversized tournament and prize checks often handed out after sporting events, or by possibly allowing bill-heads to overflow on to the back of the bills. Markets did not react favorably.
Japan's economy, heavily dependent on exports to the US, tried to control exchange rate fluctuation by announcing their own plans to "plus size our people" or possibly replace them with famous Sumo wrestlers who are already larger by nature. Further they are considering reducing the size of their bills, lowering the rice paper content or even allowing US bill-heads to encroach on to the top and bottom margins of the yen.
Sony, Matsushita and Mitsubishi all endorsed the move and went as far as to suggest a buy-out of the Unites States Federal Government in exchange for stock, protection and bills with reasonable sized heads.
Rogersworth concluded his interview with this investment tip. "Buy pork bellies. Dump your holdings in US notes and bills, then go heavy in to Miss Piggy. Not pork belly futures, actual pork bellies. Keep them at your home where they will be secure. It's the safest way."
In other news, Frigidaire stock rose 80 cents to close at $17.38 while Hormel, the makers of Spam, rose $1.79 to close at $8.50.
"Oh my, Mr. President, what a HUGE head you have!" "Shut up and blow me, fatso."
