A seven-pound vibrator has claimed the life of right wing talk show host Laura Schlessinger. Her nude body was found in bed Tuesday morning, diplaying evidence of a heavy blow to the head. The industrial-strength vibrator apparently fell from the top of her headboard and onto her head, killing her instantly.
This unretouched photo, taken shortly before her demise, shows Dr. Laura as a cadaver-like living corpse. Conspiracy buffs consider this image of the doctor proof that she intended to 'piddle herself to a higher existence'.
Schlessinger, whose talk show warned against the immorality of promiscuous and perverse sex acts, had survived the scandel of her nude "spread-'em" pictures on the Internet by first claiming the pictures did not exist, and then claiming they were the fault of Al Gore, since it was his invention. Former President Clinton, saddened to the point of laughter, had this to say of Dr. Laura:
"America didn't know she had a dildo. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all."
The accused devise fell approximately 18 inches onto Schlessinger's head at approximately 4700 feet per minute. The device weighed about 4 ounces without batteries, 7.5 pounds when fully loaded with double D batteries, and 12 pounds with the 'probing fingers' accessory attached. Ironically, the batteries were Die Hards.
"What we basically have here is a bowling ball crushing her skull," explained one of the emergency medical technicians. "She never knew what hit her." Had she
known, she might have died from humility.
Mattel Toys have jumped on the bandwagon of this tragedy with their production of "Vibrator Barbie", inspired by the late doctor. The doll comes with removable clothing, a purse packed with a Colt 45, and a mini vibrator for those days when Ken's not around. Also, Ball Park Foods has released plans for edible Dr. Laura vibrator franks that plump when you cook them. Their commercials claim that, "a dildo a day keeps Doctor Laura away."
With access to a vast array of medical research tools, Dr. Laura's choice of the steel-encased VIBRATRON MAXIMUS III brought the ultimate ecstasy...and ultimate finality
Right wing conspiracy theorists suspect foul play, thinking the vibrator may have been planted at the scene of the crime. They attest that Dr. Laura may have been beaten with a blunt object, such as a baseball bat. Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs is the prime suspect. The House of Representatives is forming a committee to address this newest scandel, dubbed Dildogate. Ken Starr has been rehired as secial prosecutor, as this forte of sex toys is not at all new to him.
Democrats have used the tragedy of Dr. Laura's death to further along vibrator control registration. They want child safety locks on all vibrators and a ban on vibrators known as "Saturday Night Specials" which vibrate at a rate 10 times faster than normal vibrators. The NRA has responded with the quip, "Vibrators don't kill people. People kill people." And, "When vibrators are outlawed, only outlaws will have vibrators."
Debate on the House floor will continue today. But differences are not predicted to come to a head anytime soon.
