Mr. Sherman Oakes went to the mall to "pick up some more batteries for the kids toys". He claims he parked his white '94 2-door Dodge Colt in the row with the beaver symbol. "My other car is a Mercedes", he joked.
"Yew got purty lips, boy." The embarrassment of losing a car is often compounded by wandering down remote roads and encountering a 'local'.
He says he was in the mall for, at most, an hour or so. On his way out of the mall, he stopped at the Starbucks for a "double latte capuccinno", though Starbucks officials insist no such drink actually exists. "I can't go to the mall and not get one of those, they're fabulous!" exclaimed Oakes.
According to psychologists it is likely the distraction offered by stopping for the specialty coffee may have been enough to disrupt Oakes' short-term memory neurons. "Just enough such that he would become mildly disoriented after leaving the mall. The caffeine in that coffee could do that," offered Jesus Escobar, PhD., M.A., B.Ad. A.Ss. Mo.Fo. "Plus, using animals to mark rows is just stupid from an organization perspective. Most people can't tell the difference between a beaver, a bear or a kangaroo on those signs." It appears that getting lost and losing things is inevitable in today's modern malls. Crappy drawing is not big help either."
"Cripes," exclaimed Oakes, "I've been to this stupid mall a gazillion times, and have never lost my car. Never." Oakes, who turned 45 last fall, says other dumb things have been happening of late, too.
"I can't seem to find my keys anymore. They're always somewhere else. My eyeglasses - they're often on top of my head, and my favorite baseball cap - the Oakland Raiders one - well, don't even get me started on how often that disappears. Now it's spread to my car."
Several noted theorists put forward the notion that people like Oakes could be the subject of some kind of government conspiracy. Others suggest that they are getting old and suffering from EOS - Early Onset Senility - a problem that can only get worse as the population ages. Mall watchers predict that malls of the future could be filled with 'lost' or 'stolen' vehicles. Their advice is to use the buddy system when going to the mall - two heads are better than one. Or, get a vehicle that's easier to notice, like a Hummer or Bradley Fighting Machine, which will stand out even in a sea of SUV's.
Commented Oakes, "I guess I have to realize I am older now and maybe I need help remembering things." As to suing the mall operators for making it hard to remember where you're car is, said a clearly chagrined Oakes, "Maybe, if that's the only way I'll get them to help me not lose my car again, then I should."
Experts recommend waiting until a mall closes to determine where your car may be parked. "It's a simple process of elimination," says Oakes. "She'll be around the next corner."
