While no Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found in Iraq the danger is still eminent enough that President Bush has called a press conference to announce the discovery of the less serious but still dangerous WPDs, Weapons of Puny Destruction.
Well hellOOOOooo there.
Found items include: a two by four with a rusty nail sticking out of it, a Red Ryder BB Gun that the Pentagon officials insist “could shoot your eye out,” a set of Martha Stewart butter knives, and a very sharp set of lawn darts.
There is no way of telling whether the board and nail has ever been used, but the butter knives are unopened, with their Kmart Blue Light Special sticker intact. Bbs shot from the BB gun have yet to be discovered, but White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer insists that the US will turn over every rock in Iraq until the dangerous bbs are found. The lawn darts, which are gold plated, are thought to be former possessions of Saddam Hussein’s son.
“Saddam’s abilitiness to produce and use such weapons of puny destruction illustrate his absolute evilness,” said President Bush at the press conference. “These weapons can cause injury on a massive level, especially rusty nails. The threat of Tetris threatens us all, especially those of us who haven’t had our rabies shots.”
In his latest video, scheduled to begin airing on MTV May 10th, Saddam has denied US claims that such items were used for destructive purposes.
He further explained himself on an episode of Dateline when Diane Sawyer asked him, “Saddam, you’ve gassed your own people, you’ve tortured political enemies along with their families. But did you really own Martha Stewart butter knives? What were you thinking?”
“Sadly, it’s true. The infedels pushed me too far. But who couldn’t resist Martha Stewart merchandise when Kmart was going bankrupt? Plus I was tired of buttering my bread with a spoon. George Bush has knives, why shouldn’t I?”
“Actually he doesn’t, Mr. Ex Dictator. The President is not allowed sharp objects ever since he almost killed himself with a pretzel,” corrected Sawyer.
“Well, still though. I am a great leader of a great nation! I need toothpicks too, so I won’t have to pick my teeth with my fingernails.”
