Sacramento, CA -- A long awaited class action lawsuit against the estate of celebrated poet Robert Frost began today in federal court amid a whirlwind of controversy. Despite last minute maneuverings by the defense team, hordes of ambitious attorneys converged on the Sacramento Country Courthouse as thousands of citizens seek retribution against Frost for "reckless rhymes and shortsighted stanzas."
Spurred on by Frost's satanic verses, hundreds of hard-working Americans gave up the comforts of security for unharnessed hedonism. God, I love that man!
The heart of the plaintiff's case focuses on Frost's famous "The Road Less Taken" poem which implores readers to shun their conventional, unexamined daily routines and engage purely in life-affirming pursuits. The plaintiffs are seeking damages in the billions of dollars for lost wages, emotional distress and expenses.
After opening statements, the plaintiff's lawyers called their first witness: Sheila Westwood of Rochester, New York. Prior to 1995, the Harter Business Products office assistant took tremendous pride in tending to routine tasks with an eagle eye for detail. Westwood's unwavering vigilance ensured that Harter's engines of commerce were well oiled and firing on all cylinders.
Westwood claims that after reading Frost's controversial poem on a greeting card, she was suddenly afflicted with an acute case of wanderlust. Westwood abandoned her husband and three children, moved to southern Spain and decided to follow through on her lifelong dream of becoming a Flamenco dancer. Toady, after years of struggling to break into Andalucia's competetive Foreigner-Looking-To-Be-A-Flamenco-Dancer scene, the penniless and zarzuela-less Westwood is bordering on her second nervous breakdown.
Later in the week, the defense is expected to summon cosmopolitan playboy and lifelong bachelor Jake Norfolk to testify. Norfolk has gone on the record defending Mr. Frost by stating that "...if Frost's inspirational words hadn't caused me to question the trajectory of my life, I never would have embezzled hundreds of thousands in office funds. Now I rub shoulders with the jet set, setting new standards for hedonism and debauchery every week. None of this would've been possible without Frost's inspirational words."
Norfolk then recited Frost's "Fire and Ice":
"The Road Less Taken"....no freakin' doubt, sicko!
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."
"Man," said Norfolk, "if that doesn't inspire you to quit your job, steal millions and get laid every three hours, you're just not a sensitive person."
