An unsuspecting Piglet photographed in front of Butcher Bill's meat market. Oh, d-d-d-dear!
Christopher Robin, the local mentally disturbed man who for years believed a pig at his family's farm was sentient, finally snapped back into reality last week and butchered the creature whom he dubbed "Piglet".
It began when Christopher, now a 45 year old banker residing in Boston, took a trip home to say hello to Piglet, Tigger and the rest of the crew. Tigger, now a very old tiger still living in the north American forests, was hanging out with a an old rabbit guy who's name is, uh, Rabbit.
Pooh and Eeyore were sitting nursing some bee stings after their latest escapade with honey. Strangely missing was Piglet who had grown so plump and juicy that he was unable get out of his house in a nearby tree.
After recently converting to Mormonism from Judaism (same thing really), Christopher decided to take a trip out to fat old Piglet's crib. It went down like this.
*knock knock*
Piglet: Who is it?
Christopher: It's me, Christopher!
Piglet: Wow! Hi Christopher!
Christopher: Why Piglet, you look so...plump.
Piglet: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dearie dearie dear! Umm...yeah, I've put on a couple of pounds. I really need to get down to the river and do some laps.
Christopher: You wouldn't want to harm your exquisite roundness, now would you?
Piglet: Well, I guess not. I still need to get in shape.
Christopher: Say, how about we take a trip down to the butcher shop. You can start training by...punching meat.
Piglet: I dunno...Ok, sounds swell!.
What ensued was probably one of the strangest things I've ever heard of. I manged to track down the butcher who was working at the time Christopher came in with Piglet.
"I swear, that guy kept talking to this fat-ass pig," said Butcher Bill. "It was a really creepy. He reminded me of Hannibal Lechter. Damn pig just kept saying, 'Oh dear, oh dear, oh dearie-dearie dear'. I think they were jacked up on some kinda drugs."
Despite a less-than-amicable ending to their relationship, Christoper Robin still keeps a final picture of his friend Piglet prominently displayed.
Before Christopher and Piglet went into the butcher room Jonathan was heard saying, "C'mon, Piglet! The meat's in here! My, my, aren't you feeling round?" About a minute after the two ventured in, there were pig screams and the sound of a meat cleaver swinging.
Piglet has not been seen since, at least not without a cellophane wrapper stamped with a "Sell By" date.
