"Whoops! Do farts have lumps?" C'mon, it's not like they didn't warn you! Beats being bound up for days, don't it?
Six years ago, Olestra was born, and life as we knew it changed dramatically. Now, fat people could eat a bag of potato chips and gain two pounds instead of five.
Olestra was an oil made from natural ingredients that dramatically decreased the fat content in certain foods, and made such tasty no-no's as pork rhinds and tortilla chips part of a dieter's menu.
However, Herbert Foray, director of advertising and marketing for Olestra, made a huge mistake that was responsible for the gradual downfall of the parent company, Olean. Foray decided the conumser information section of each bag of chips, such as Frito-Lays "Wow", would include a fine-print warning that Olestra could cause "cramping and loose stools".
Unless you're planning a high-octane shitfest, I doubt you'd want to have guests over on a Saturday night and serve any "WOW" chips any time soon.
"Uh, is there Olestra in that Wesson Oil?" "I don't know...I think I just had an accident."
Nutritionist David Bradley referred to Olestra as a "real porcelain-rattler" and most definitely a "double-roller, 15-flusher, plunger exerciser".
In response, sales of Olestra-related products have gone down 78% since its introduction in 1998. Toilet paper sales have steadily declined as well.
A new ad campaign will be launched from Olestra stressing its positives for dieters, and not the negatives like unexpected shits, soaked underwear and brown racing stripes down your Levi's. The new slogan, to be launched during the Super Bowl, will be:
"A-E-I-O-U are vowels, Olestra is keen to clean your bowels."
