In an un-precedented development in the modern era of Major League Baseball, not to mention a telling sign of the end of life as we know it, the Chicago Cubs have reached the playoffs.
When asked, a number of current and former Big Leaguers shared their thoughts:
Ridiculed no more: Cubs fans can now hold there heads high as their team picks its way through the playoffs.
Barry Bonds: I'm God. Screw the Cubs.
Dusty Baker: Of course we're going to win. No white guys on this team.
Pete Rose: Fifty large on the Cubs to take it all. Ten says in four straight games. And my good friend Mr. Franklin says a no hitter in game 3.
Ted Williams: S-s-s-soooo c-c-o-o-l-d.
Goose Gossage: $50 and I'll sign your butt.
Joe Smith: I played 30 days in the strike season. Why do you care what I think? Get outta my way, I have to clean the shithouse.
Harry Carrey: Tech me owth doo daa balsh jame!
Babe Ruth: Cubs? Sure. Red Sox? Maybe they get to game seven again. HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!
A more sobering sidenote to this development is the possibility of the Boston Red Sox playing the Chicago Cubs in the World Series. Leading scientists throughout the world agree that should that occur, the probability of planet earth imploding is greatly increased, and both teams must be destroyed after game 3, preferably with nuclear weapons.
