The Federal Drug Administration today announced an investigation into a herbal sexual supplement that's been linked to dozens of deaths across the country.
Three young women celebrate the capture and containment of what was locally dubbed "Shlongzilla".
Imported from Asia, the herb is marketed through the internet under names like “Python of Passion,” “Super Shtuper,” “Tower of Power,” “King Dong, ” and a Korean word that, loosely translated, means “I'm thinking very positive thoughts about myself because of my gigantic sexual organ.”
One ad promises that “the Python will turn your Wee Willie Winkie into Big Bill Boner or double your money back.” The catch seems to be that the herb succeeds beyond all practical utility.
“And that’s really the problem,” says FDA investigator Rollins Cogsworth. “A guy's looking for a little extra oomph and what he gets is more than he can handle. We’re talking about going from something you measure in inches to something that has to be weighed down at the stockyards. It’s not a pretty sight, let me tell you.”
According to Mr. Cogsworth, some over-endowed victims have also succumbed to fatal accidents when they lost their balance and fell out windows or were crushed to death by their own penises. Python of Passion is being blamed for a near disaster on a flight from New York to Las Vegas when a man attempting to join the Mile High club in the first class lavatory accidentally punched a hole in the skin of the airplane.
“The poor sap's wanker was ripped clean off," said Mr. Cogsworth. “He got a little more suction than he’d bargained for,but on the bright side, he's technically a member of the club. He had to be feeling pretty good about himself in the last few moments."
