In a study done by Andrews University, Michigan, ninety-five percent of US residents denied using swear words such as damn, hell, fuck, shit, bitch, bastard, piss, ass, and even more obscure delights such as chicken-choker, goat-gonad-gobbler, Monkey-chode-fanclub-president and even stanky-nuts. Four percent admit freely to cursing, but only during sporting events, long sermons by their pastors, or when they run out of beer and cigarettes. Another popular reason to curse, according to the survey, is when "a goddamn Adventist steals your parking spot at Hooters on a Friday night." The other one percent of respondents didn't know whether they curse or not, which means they're probably too fucking dumb to know Heaven from Hell from their ass from a hole in the wall, which would certainly explain their odd treatment of holes in walls.
The study has come under some severe scrutiny because the results are so positive many think they're full of shit. "Ninety-five percent? Give me a goddamn break!" said one participant. "The study should be renamed: 95% Always fucking lie."
The study was conducted by an Andrews ethics class as part of a project to discover where America's morality has gone. Given the state of the nation, along with the sexual prowess of recent Presidents, the ear biting habits of Mike Tyson, and the school shootings, many like Dr. Holier Thanthou think our country has a lot of morality homework to catch up on. As the professor in charge of the survey, Holier Thanthou, was positive that the study's findings were accurate, but he insists that we must strive to raise our standards even higher.
"The Lord gave us mouths to preach His blessings, not to use His name in vain whenever the Lions throw an interception. The Lord will judge us someday on the merits of our mouthings, and there will be no fucking potty mouths in Heaven," he said.
The study also surveyed the popularity of particular curse words. Coming in first, as the most popular swear word was 'fuck', to no one's surprise. Fuck has always been the ring leader of curse words. The word fuck is not to be confused by Fukalicki, which is actually an entree served in his home town at the Beijing Palace, and therefore not a curse word. Coming in second was damn, not to be confused with that steel and concrete contraption which "enables us to cross the river and drive our asses to a real city like Niles," according to researchers.
Rounding out the top five curse words were bitch, not to be confused with the their local canine police dog, Dolly. Hell, not to be confused with his native village of Berrien Springs, and ass, not to be confused with what you're sitting on right now, reading this fucking article. To clarify, you are sitting on your ass, which is a swear word, but if your ass is atop a donkey, that's not a swear word.
What can we learn from this AU study? While many insist it's just a bunch of shit, others are optimistic that America isn't full of a bunch of potty mouths. Only time will tell us whether we pass the almighty test of judgment. And since we probably are all full of shit, we better be hoping God is deaf.
